


A Kazon Woman

by pinazee



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Action, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Character Death, Domestic Violence, Episode: s02e26 Basics Part 1, Episode: s03e01 Basics Part 2, F/M, Misogyny, More canon compliant than not J/C, Rewrite
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-13
Updated: 2020-11-16
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:01:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 31,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26981092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinazee/pseuds/pinazee
Summary: A little rewrite of Basics where the Captain is forced to stay aboard and watch helplessly as her crew is left to fend for themselves on a nearly inhospitable planet. And what could the Kazon leader possibly need her for?
Relationships: Chakotay & Tuvok (Star Trek), Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway, Kathryn Janeway & Tuvok (Star Trek)
Comments: 33
Kudos: 92





	1. hijacked

“We’re being boarded through the shuttle bay’s Captain,” said Tuvok plainly. “Phaser fires on decks five, six, and seven.”  
“Intruder alert, security to decks five through seven,” said Chakotay over the comm's. Kathryn looked around concerned. Realization dawned on her that they couldn’t save the crew and the ship as well.  
“Begin evacuations,” Kathryn stated sternly, “Janeway to computer, initiate self destruct sequence, authorization Janeway pi one one zero set in 10 minutes.”  
“Unable to initiate self-destruct sequence due to damage to secondary command processors,” the computer rang back. Kathryn grimaced. It was too late. They lost.  
“Stay where you are! Don’t move!” yelled a Kazon soldier as a group of them stormed the bridge. Instinctively, Tuvok fired a shot and hit a Kazon in the chest, sending him to the floor. Another Kazon fired back making Tuvok duck. A crew member turned to fire and was shot himself and crumpled to the floor. Kathryn knew the jig was up, they couldn’t survive a fire fight. They had no alternative.  
“Hold your fire,” she stated sternly.  
Moments later, the crew of the bridge were forced to kneel in a group in the center. The younger of the crew, Kathryn noticed, were understandably scared, as was she. Chakotay on the other hand, was stoic, angry even and it didn’t take much to understand why. Seska was sure to be joining them, and with her, the son that was conceived without his consent. He turned to Kathryn, frowning. Behind his eyes, she could see a hint of guilt, but she would have to deal with that later.  
Kathryn turned to the nearest Kazon and said authoritatively, “I want to speak to Maje Culluh.”  
“Easily arranged captain,” said Culluh smugly as he walked onto the bridge with Seska in tow, a baby in her arms.  
“What do you think of your son Chakotay? He has your eyes don’t you think? Thank goodness he doesn’t look too human. You all have such weak foreheads,” said Seska, relishing in their defeat.  
Chakotay peered at her disgusted and said coolly, “May he grow up never knowing the contempt his father has for his mother.” He could feel Kathryn give his arm a gently squeeze of solidarity.  
“I think I can assure you of that commander. I intend to take him for my own son. A man who would violate a woman under his own command doesn’t deserve a son,” Culluh spat.  
Chakotay looked flabbergasted. “Is that what she told you?” he asked indignantly.  
“The boy will be trained as a Nistrim Askara. Already he has helped us win our greatest battle in our history,” Culluh said proudly.  
Kathryn stood, determined to gain some control of the situation.  
She said cautiously yet direct, “Culluh I’d like to discuss what happens now.”  
In a flash Culluh backhanded her, sending her cascading to the floor, thankfully caught by her crew. She grabbed her burning face in shock and stood up again defiantly only to be pushed back down onto her knees. She peered up at Culluh with spite in her eyes, and he stared right back.  
“You will be given no more respect than any Kazon woman now that your ship and technology are mine. I will tell you when you may speak,” Culluh demanded.  
Not one to roll over, Kathryn immediately replied, “Allow my crew to live, they were following my orders.” Chakotay stared at her intently. He was not surprised she would sacrifice herself for the crew. He would have done the same as captain. What surprised him was how much that thought hurt.  
Culluh groaned. “You’re even worse than she is,” he said bitterly, gesturing to Seska who looked away, with what Kathryn could guess as shame. Culluh turned to Chakotay and continued, “What is it about the women from your quadrant? You know she contradicts me in front of the Senior Askara? My own woman, disputing her Maje in front of others. This is your fault. You’ve let your women get out of control.”  
“You know you have my deepest respect Maje,” Seska said carefully.  
“Why is it so dark in here?” Culluh said suddenly. “Somebody turn on the lights. Order the repair crews to begin work immediately I want to leave for the Hanan system as soon as possible.”  
“What’s in the Hanon system?” asked Chakotay, sure he wasn’t going to like the answer.  
“Your new home,” Seska smirked. “Take them to a cargo bay. Have the whole crew brought there, check all the quarters.” Seska lavished at barking orders. Culluh, Kathryn noticed, was less pleased.  
The crew began to stand and get pushed by the Kazon’s into the turbolift. Kathryn stood to join and was immediately pushed back down by Culluh himself.  
With a firm grip on her shoulder, he gazed at her searchingly. “You’ll be staying Captain. We’ll need your expertise.”  
The entire bridge crew stopped walking and turned to face Kathryn, unsure how to proceed.  
Chakotay struggled against the Kazon holding him. He punched the one holding him in the face and went to grab his gun but was quickly subdued by another Kazon and forced onto to his stomach a boot to his back.  
He looked at Culluh directly and pleaded, “Please, you don’t need her. The ship is yours.”  
Tuvok added, “If I may Culluh, the crew is more likely to obey orders if they knew the captain was leading the way.”  
Seska added, “Maje, he’s right. We don’t need Janeway, you have me. I know this ship more than most. She should leave with her crew. Keeping her on board is a risk.”  
Culluh’s grip on Kathryn’s shoulder tightened making her grimace. He replied sternly, “The captain knows the ship better than anyone, like it or not. If we are to defeat our enemies we need this ship to function until every last one of them is eliminated. Do you understand me?” Seska bit her tongue and nodded. The Kazon soldiers picked Chakotay up and began pushing him again to the turbolift. He locked eyes with Kathryn, concern worn on his face.  
Kathryn poised herself as erect as possible and spoke clearly, “Keep this crew safe Commander. That’s an order. I’ll be fine.”  
Chakotay reluctantly nodded.  
“I know you will,” he musters. He gave Culluh a steely look that he hoped conveyed how much he loathed him and joined the others in the turbolift.  
Culluh grabbed Kathryn’s hair suddenly and yanked her head back forcing her to look him in the eyes and making her gasp.  
Chakotay yelled despite himself as the doors closed and she was gone, separated from the group.  
“You no longer give the orders Captain.” Culluh croaked. “Though I don’t suppose that title is fitting anymore. What was your name again?”  
Seska interjected, “It’s Kathryn Janeway.”  
Culluh let go of her hair by throwing her head forward, making her catch herself.  
“Kathryn it is. And I suppose you won’t be needing that uniform. Take off the jacket.”  
Kathryn hesitated, admittedly afraid of how far it would go. She pulled her jacket off, however, and handed it over to Seska reluctantly.  
“And the pips.” Kathryn huffed. Angrily, she pulled each pip off her collar one by one, and slammed them into Seska’s hand.  
“Your hair will also need to be worn down at all times,” Culluh added.  
Seska reached over and pulled Kathryn’s hair out of her bun roughly. Her auburn hair cascaded in loose waves around her shoulder.  
“I’ll admit Kathryn, I find you far more appealing this way. The uniform makes you seem much larger than you are. But once that is stripped away, you’re nothing more than a woman. And quite a frail looking one at that.”  
Kathryn couldn’t bite her tongue any longer. “if you think I’m going to help you use my ship for war,” she roared. Then she was cut off with a slap to the face and she was sent to the floor again.  
“I told you, you will only speak when permitted.” He sighed. “I have a feeling you’re going to struggle with this for a while, so let me help you adjust.” Culluh grabbed her jacket from Seska's arms and cut off a lengthy piece of fabric and stuffed it in her mouth and tied it around her head.  
“That stay’s, do you understand?” Culluh demanded. Kathryn only stared back. Culluh guided her next to the captain’s chair and had her sit on her knees. Culluh gestured for Seska to sit beside him and grinned. He patted Kathryn head nonchalantly, making her shutter.  
“Let’s get to Hanon already and drop off our load. We have a war to win.”

* * *

Roughly four hours later they arrived at a class M planet, dated so pre-warp, life had barely began to take shape. Kathryn had serious concerns about the survival of her crew on such a seismically active land filled with Jurassic period creatures and prehistoric humanoids. She had to interject.  
She ripped her gag off and looked directly at Culluh. “Maje Culluh, please, there is another class M planet only a half day’s journey just as barren but far less dangerous. If you banish them here, you might as well execute them. Please, give them a fighting chance!” Kathryn pleaded.  
Culluh grabbed her throat angrily, squeezing so hard he was shaking. She clawed at his fingers trying to pull them away.  
“I will not tell you again, woman. You. Will. Not. Speak.” Culluh enunciated and let go. Kathryn coughed and wheezed as she gasped for air only to be gagged once more.  
Once they landed on the planet, Culluh and the other Kazon soldiers, with Kathryn pushed along, arrived to the cargo bay just in time to see the last of her crew walking onto their new home (though, Kathryn hoped only temporarily). She was brought to the edge of the cargo bay and forced to kneel again.  
With one hand on her shoulder clasped roughly, Culluh smiled. “Let’s see how your crew does without its technology now.”  
Kathryn ignored him and instead looked out to her crew and found Chakotay, who was about to come back when she shook her head sternly. She averted her gaze to find Tuvok, who had been watching her intently. In three swift motions she gestured to herself and then pointed down. Then made her hands into fists and motioned down. Tuvok simply nodded in understanding. Culluh noticed only the last bit of her frantic attempt to communicate and grabbed a gun from a nearby soldiers hands and slammed the end of it against her head. Kathryn collapsed to the floor, unmoving. The cargo bay doors rose and she was out of sight once more.

Tuvok immediately started barking orders. “Crew, in order to survive we will need water, shelter, food, and weapons in that order.”  
Chakotay shook out of his reverie, lost in the image of seeing Kathryn knocked out.  
He spoke loudly, “We’ll need to split up and cover more ground. Be on the lookout for predators but do not engage. We have no weapons and nowhere to run. We’ll rendezvous back here before the sun reaches one hand width from the horizon. Got it?” The crew nodded. Most looked scared and confused, something Chakotay didn’t have the luxury to mirror. He made her a promise to protect her crew and he intended to do so. “Alpha crew with me, Tuvok, join me will you. The rest of the officers, grab your own team. Let’s get to work.”  
Chakotay turned and began walking away from the ship. Tuvok hustled to join his side.  
“Tuvok, we’ve had our differences in the past, but if we’re going to survive I’m going to need your trust. I can’t command this crew without you,” Chakotay stated plainly.  
“With the captain currently separated, that would put you in command sir.” Tuvok relayed.  
“That’s not what I’m asking.” Chakotay stopped and turned to face him. “I don’t need your Starfleet obedience. I need a friend I can trust.”  
Tuvok contemplated his words carefully. “I can assure you commander, I will do whatever it takes to keep this crew alive until voyager returns.”  
“What makes you so sure it will?” asked Chakotay sadly.  
“Captain Janeway is still aboard, and as long as the Captain is aboard Voyager, there is always a possibility for rescue.” Tuvok said it so matter-of-fact, Chakotay nearly believed him.  
“You saw what they did to her.” The image that won’t dissipate from his mind replayed of her, half her uniform gone, her hair blowing in the breeze with a gag in her mouth, falling to the floor of the cargo bay, unmoving.  
“I saw her knocked down and nothing more. Captain Janeway will find a way. In my years working with her, I’ve found her to be one of the most resourceful people I have ever met.”  
Chakotay grinned briefly. “What was that message that she sent you?” he asked, thinking about her odd hand gestures.  
“Before she commanded voyager, the Captain and I were on an away mission together to attain and dismantle a black market dealer selling unregistered weapons. We had intel that her shop was located in a highly populated bazaar, however, all communications in and around her shop were blocked. We had to devise another way of communicating as the Captain intended to walk in alone, to give the appearance of a desperate, helpless woman searching for protection. We decided to use an old earth language so that she may signal me from across the market conspicuously. We learned a couple of phrases for different scenarios. In this instance, she was signing to me, that she would be back, and to stay strong.”


	2. The Plight of Seska

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seska explains the expectations of a Kazon woman.

Kathryn woke with a splitting headache. She touched her forehead gently and winced as a shockwave of pain radiated down her temple. She opened her eyes slowly as they adjusted to the harsh lighting that buzzed loudly. She came to realize they had thrown her in the brig. She stood and went to the force field and saw that there was no guard outside. She was alone. She sat back down on the bed and pulled her knees to her chest. She was cold without her jacket, and more than that, she felt exposed and raw. Her Starfleet exterior felt protective in a way she hadn’t realized. With her head pounding, she began plotting, until minutes turned to hours and hours turned to days. In that time, she wasn’t visited once, not for food or water or to even be questioned. She was simply alone, getting more dehydrated by the minute. The pain in her head swelled and beat like a separate creature. Her lips were chapped to the point that they began to split and bleed. She found it incredibly difficult minute by minute to stay awake and wasn’t sure if she should blame it on the concussion or deprivation.

Time stood still. She felt frozen in a moment that would never end. She started thinking they might just let her die here, locked up on her own ship. A fitting end, she agreed; in a way, the captain did go down with the ship, at least while it _was_ a federation ship. She supposed now, as she leaned up against the wall, using the friction of her shoes to keep her from sliding down, it was a Kazon vessel, whether she liked it or not.

It wasn’t so bad in the end. There were worse ways to die than dehydration. At some point, she’ll close her eyes and never open them again. It was tempting. To give in. Lay down and fall asleep to death. She closed her heavy eyes and they stuck like a magnet to the bottom of her eye lids. The darkness welcomed her warmly.

She jolted her eyes open. No. No. She had to stay. Her crew was stranded on a hostile planet with no means of escape. She had to rescue them, there were no other options. Therefore, she had no other option but to live. She had to keep fighting until the very end. She made a promise.

“Captain,” said a voice. Kathryn looked around slowly. Sitting beside her to her left was Tuvok, whole and impassive. “Captain, you told me you would be back.”

She knew he wasn’t real. She knew because she had to save him. Yet it felt so nice to see a friendly face; any face really. She smiled slightly, careful not to stretch open a crack on her lips.

Her throat dry and raspy, she choked out, “I will be.”

“Captain, why didn’t you protect us?” said another voice. Kathryn looked around slowly again to see Ensign Kim sitting to her right. He seemed disappointed and it broke her heart.

“I’m sorry,” she rasped. She went to grab his arm but her hand collapsed beside her- too weak to move.

“Kathryn,” said another voice. Kathryn looked up to see Chakotay standing in front of her. He had a sweet smile, the kind he wore whenever he talked to her privately. “Kathryn, it’s okay. I’ll take care of them. We’ll be waiting for you.”

“I. know. You. will.” She whispered.

Chakotay’s face changed to stern and he leaned in. “Don’t give up Kathryn.”

“I’m. Not.”

“You’re not what?” said a new voice. Kathryn looked up to see standing outside her force field was Maje Culluh. Kathryn looked back down to see her colleagues had disappeared. She twisted her hand into a fist and said nothing.

“Dehydration doesn’t suit you Kathryn. Perhaps you’d like a drink?” Culluh lifted his hand to show her the glass of water he carried. Kathryn nodded sluggishly.

The force field went down and Culluh sat beside her on the bed. She attempted to reach for the water with her shaky arms when he pulled it out of her grasp.

“You’re looking pretty weak Kathryn. How about I help you?” Kathryn glared at him. She exhaled, swallowed her pride, and nodded. Culluh lowered the glass to her lips and gently tilted the cold liquid into her mouth. It was the most divine sensation she had ever experienced. And then it was gone. Leaving her gasping, aching for more.

“I think that will suffice for now,” said Culluh as he placed the glass beside him. Kathryn turned to face him, her face hard. “Do you understand now, Kathryn? The desperation that led us here? You showed us extraordinary technology, technology that could save my people and then took it away. Do you know now, what that does to people?”

Kathryn grimaced and spoke coarsely, “I couldn’t. It’s not my technology to give.”

Culluh frowned. “ _You_ were the one who made that choice. We could’ve been allies in this sector but instead you chose to make an enemy of the Nistrim, and now it will be your undoing. See, this is why women should not be in command. Your limited thinking and biases prevent you from seeing the bigger picture.”

Kathryn pursed her chapped lips, opening one of her splits and making it bleed. Culluh reached over and wiped the blood off with his finger gently, letting his hand linger on her cheek. Kathryn tried to pull away and found she was too weak to do more than move her head.

“Why am I here, Culluh?” Kathryn asked tentatively.

Culluh pushed her hair aside, exposing her neck.

“As I said. You will be treated as any other Kazon woman. However, I am not an ignorant man. I know you know more about this ship than any other being. You will help when you are needed. If you are cooperative, you will gain privileges. Water for one.”

“I already told you. I won’t help.”

Culluh sighed testily. “You are beyond stubborn, even for your species. If you insist on doing it the hard way then very well. I’ll see you in another three days.”

Culluh left the cell with the glass of water and turned the force field back on. The moment he was about to leave the room he heard a faint voice.

“Wait,” wheezed Kathryn as loudly as she could muster. Culluh grinned. “You win.”

Culluh smirked and brought the force field back down. He stepped in, leaning once more over her, and placing a hand underneath her chin to make her look up at him. 

“You will obey?”

Kathryn exhaled and nodded back weakly.

“Please, water,” she begged. Culluh went to grab the glass of water and handed it to her. She nearly choked on it as she devoured every ounce.

Culluh watched with pleasure at her desperation. “I will have Seska brief you on your new role,” he said. “You will have no rights, no privileges, and will be escorted whenever you leave your quarters. Is that clear?”

“Yes,” Kathryn gasped.

“Yes, what?” Culluh said briskly.

Kathryn gritted her teeth. “Yes, _Maje_ ,” she spit.

Satisfied, Culluh left and Kathryn was alone once more to dwell on his touch. Her being aboard, she knew, had less to do with her being the former captain and more to do with being a woman. A distinction she worked hard to make others forget.

This was hardly the first time Kathryn experienced the arrogance of a man. She grew up in Starfleet, where the crew was nearly 70% men and maybe 30% of all captains were female. She was called names when she spoke up and had to fight for credibility. The last time, however, she struggled with this so viscerally, when it had been thrust upon her so shamelessly, she had been a cadet at Starfleet academy. She was annoyingly curious in her astrophysics course, asking endless questions, staying after class, and going to the professor’s office hours daily. Halfway through the course, while she questioned him one night in his office, she learned he mistook her interest in the course with an interest with him and he grabbed her unexpectedly, pushing her into his desk and shoving his tongue down her throat. Eventually she pushed him off and rushed out the door. He approached her later giving her some excuse, claiming he thought that was what she wanted. She was embarrassed and ashamed that she didn’t see what he was. For a long time she blamed herself and didn’t say anything. She simply switched courses thinking that was the end of it, not realizing the subtle changes within herself. It wasn’t until years later that she came to terms with what happened and if her father hadn’t just passed away she would have done something about it. Suffice to say, she was preoccupied with her grief.

Years later, when she was promoted to captain, and rumors spread that her promotion was because of her admiral father or because of who she slept with, she was warned by a female admiral of the specific dangers that awaited her. Sexism was not a human condition it would seem, it was seen across many species and there were many planets that remained willfully ignorant.

_You’re not going to like this, Captain, but it’s the harsh reality. They will see your femininity as a weakness or something to be exploited. it’s your prerogative to prove them wrong_ , the admiral had said. Something Kathryn had never forgotten and could never forget when situations like this appeared and she found herself fighting once again for respect.

Moments later, Seska had appeared in front of her with a guard and looked angry.

“Let’s get one thing straight here _Captain_ ,” she spat venomously. “Culluh might run the ship but I run Culluh.”

With some of her strength returned, Kathryn brought herself up to stand directly in front of Seska, choosing to ignore the banging in her head.

“if that were true Seska,” Kathryn replied slyly, “I don’t think I would be here. And I don’t think you would be here about to integrate me into the Kazons.”

Seska’s nostrils flared angrily. “He may be blinded by his gender, but I am not. I know exactly the kind of woman you are.”

Kathryn crossed her arms. “Oh? And what kind of woman am I?”

“A desperate one, sure, but I know you’ll do anything to get back to your crew. Nothing matters more to you than your command.”

“Well you’re half right Seska. I _will_ do anything to get back to my crew. Which incidentally, happens to also contain the father to your child. Or have you forgotten that in your quest for revenge?”

Seska’s demeanor faltered ever so slightly before becoming stoic once more.

“You heard Culluh, my son has a father. He’s quite proud to be a father actually.”

“And you? I can hardly believe you’re going to last much longer beside him. I heard the way he talks to you. You disrespect him by sharing your ideas and concerns. Is this the society you want your son to grow up in? Treating women like this?”

Seska’s face turned to steel.

She growled, “You have no right to judge how I raise my son.” Then she turned to the guard and ordered him to bring the force field down. Soon Kathryn was being escorted down the hall with Seska leading the way. They ended up in her quarters, which would appear to have turned into Culluh’s and Seska’s. Her belongings had been thrown into a corner of the room, a few pieces scattered across the floor. A baby’s bassinet stood by the bed with its occupant fast asleep. Then her eye caught the soft pink silk of her nightgown laying on the floor by the bed. Kathryn felt nauseous and quickly vowed to dispose of it and the bedding the moment she had her ship back. Seska followed her eyes and quickly grabbed the garment and threw it out of sight. She rummaged through her drawers, pulling a few items out of each then handed a bundle to Kathryn. 

“You will put these on,” Seska stated tersely. “You may shower first. You have 10 minutes.” Kathryn took the clothes and went to close the bathroom door when Seska stopped her. “Trust is earned, _captain_.”

Kathryn grimaced as she saw behind Seska the guard at the door peek around giving Kathryn a disturbing grin. She chose instead to take a bath. She needed more water and it was a little more hidden behind the wall than the shower was. Plus, she desperately needed a small sense of normalcy. She was weary though. With only Seska between herself and the men on board, she didn’t dare linger as much as she wanted to.

She turned the bath on, cupped her hands and scooped the water into her mouth hungrily. She climbed into the tub while it was filling, and allowed herself one minute to stop thinking. She decided to use a meditation technique given to her by Chakotay. She thought of one thing she could touch- the water. One thing she could see- a brush on the counter. One thing she could smell- the rose soap. Kathryn was not prone to anxiety, yet sometimes, such as now, when circumstances were overwhelming, she had to remind herself to stay present and focus on the task at hand. Otherwise, she’d get bogged down with all the different scenarios and paths she’d laid out and all the things that could go wrong. She inhaled for 4 seconds, held it for 7 seconds, then let it out for 8 seconds. Instantly, she felt a little more at ease and a little more focused.

She finished bathing and got dressed in the items Seska provided. A plain brown dress that tied down the back with an ornate cloth belt to tie around her waist, some tan leggings, and some simple brown shoes. Looking in the mirror she could hardly recognize herself. Her skin was paler than usual and gaunt. Her temple was swollen and bruised with a small cut above her eye. Her lips so shriveled they nearly disappeared. Her neck had the bruised remnants of Culluhs grip. On top of that, now that her thirst satisfied she came to realize how hungry she was. A small price to pay as she remembered where her crew was currently, the state of their wellbeing unknown.

She was about to throw her hair up like she routinely did when she remembered it had to be down. She quite liked when her hair was down which it had so rarely been these last two years. She never expected to be a captain 24/7, especially for such a long period of time. She missed home, and more than that, she missed being herself without being at the ships beck and call. She would steal a moment here or there, to allow herself to breathe. She’d spend an hour or two in the holodeck, whisked away in some story, all the while never forgetting her time could be cut short at any moment. She couldn’t help noticing the irony that leaving her hair down was now a testament to her imprisonment.

Seska appeared behind her.

“Brown’s not really your color, is it?” Seska mocked. Kathryn turned around and tried again to get Seska to see reason.

“Why do you think I’m here Seska?” Kathryn asked frankly.

“Culluh has explained already. You are to help repair the ship when you are needed,” Seska said to the floor.

“You said it yourself Seska, you can handle this ship and to be honest I don’t doubt it. When you were a crew member of mine, you were one of our best. No, keeping me here wasn’t part of the plan, was it? He made that decision without you. So, I’ll ask you again; Why do _you_ think I’m here?”

Seska stared back, her reservations faltering. For a split second, Kathryn nearly seemed like an ally. She knew what it was like to be treated as a Kazon woman. It robbed her of her dignity to have to fight for any say in the war that she helped create- to get any kind of acknowledgment in her role that took down Voyager. Then she remembered it was Kathryn who made her desperate enough to seek out the Kazon in the first place. The fact that she had to endure the same treatment seemed nearly poetic.

“Culluh expects you to behave as a Kazon woman and if you want to keep from being ejected out of an airlock I suggest you act accordingly. The women are to stand behind them at all times. They do not get to question their judgement or have input in matters such as war, science, or trade.”

Kathryn scoffed, “That’s half my repertoire.”

Seska ignored her. “I believe you may get certain privileges considering your role aboard the ship. However, I will warn you, Culluh will not argue with you. You are to do as you are told and nothing more or he will have you tortured to the point that you will beg for death, is that understood?”

“I’m going to be honest with you Seska, I don’t plan to roll over and take it.”

“I’d expect nothing less, _captain_. I look forward to seeing what Culluh has in store for you.” Seska smiled fiendishly and continued. “Kazon women are also expected to be clean and dignified at all times, so you will shower everyday and your clothes cleaned every night. Culluh has also decided to move your quarters. You’ll be staying down the hall from us and you will report to me. And don’t even think about the replicators, I’ve seen to it that all access panels are sealed. Why don’t we head to your new quarters now.”

Kathryn was then escorted out of her room and towards the quarters down the hall, which happened to be Chakotay’s. When his doors opened and she was hit with his familiar scent, her heart split open and all the feelings she’d kept buried the last three days exploded out of her. She was angry at Seska for starting all of this and for robbing Chakotay of his own DNA, his own flesh and blood. She felt guilty for not protecting her crew and worried about their wellbeing. She was humiliated and sad, and still, a small part of her felt at ease. His room, surrounded by his things, the things he loved, she nearly felt surrounded by him and she ached for his warm embrace that encompassed her so completely she had never felt safer. If she hadn’t been so dehydrated she would have cried.

Kathryn followed Seska into his room, who appeared to take great pleasure in grabbing his things and throwing them on the floor. Until she stopped to pick up a frame on his desk. One of himself and his grandfather holding a tiny fish.

Kathryn growled, “Put that down.” Seska turned around grinning.

“Relax, Captain. I was just reliving a fond memory. The day he told me about that fish. This was back in our Maquis days. I had been aboard for a month and wasn’t having any luck getting close to him. You didn’t really know him back then but he was completely different. He was hyper focused on his missions and didn’t have any time for relationships. He was a no nonsense, take no prisoners kind of guy. It was nearly impossible to talk to him about anything that wasn’t our next step, our next battle. I just kept hitting that block of ice with my knife and little by little he warmed up. I finally convince him to have dinner with me and he just sort of spilled his heart out like he had been waiting for someone to unlock that door. Asking about this picture happened to be the key. It was one of his fondest memories.” Seska’s eyes glazed over as she smiled fondly reliving that past moment.

Kathryn contemplated her story. She spoke quietly, “You actually love him, don’t you?”

Seska set the frame down, avoiding eye contact and frowning.

“I did love him. Until you showed up and you infected him with your federation ideology and principles and your humanity,” Seska hissed. She crossed the room briskly, pausing to stand eye to eye with Kathryn who remained unflinching. “Surely, you’ve seen it. The way he looks at you? I mean what a performance he gave us on the bridge the moment you were going to be separated. I’ve never seen a more pathetic display. Even the few months I was on board Voyager, he wouldn’t shut up about you and your ideologies.”

“Is that why you violated him then?” Kathryn asked angrily, skimming past the part that made her heart skip a beat. “Because he wouldn’t give you what you wanted? We have a word on earth for what you did and it’s nothing less than rape.”

Seska backed off, choosing instead to stare out the window into the vastness of space her arms clasped tightly around herself. “I used him like he used me. Nothing more. That’s how the world works, something you always fail to comprehend.”

Suddenly a Kazon soldier appeared in the door.

“Maje Culluh wishes you to join him in engineering,” he said to Seska.

Seska turned to Kathryn, looking her up and down appraisingly.

“To answer your earlier question, I don’t know exactly why Culluh decided to keep you on board, but I do know it wasn’t because of your engineering abilities.” Then she walked out, leaving Kathryn alone once more.

“What’s the problem Culluh?” asked Seska, “Why is the warp drive down?” 

“I was hoping you could tell me,” Culluh replied angrily. Seska walked up to a monitor and began analyzing.

“The antimatter injector froze. There should have been a warning. A drop in core temperature, a magnetic constriction alarm, something. Unless…” her voice trailed.

“Unless what?” Culluh asked impatiently.

“Computer, run a level one scan for intruders,” Seska demanded.

_Unable to comply. Internal scanner relays are damaged_ , The computer chimed back.

Culluh became angrier. “What is going on Seska?”

Seska replied tersely, “Someone is sabotaging our ship.” She turned to the Kazon soldiers. “Run a deck by deck sweep, checking all Jefferies tubes and conduits. And get those sensors up and running.”

The Kazon soldiers looked at Culluh confused, who angrily waved his hand for them to do as she said. Once the men had gone Culluh grabbed Seska roughly by the arm and pulled her aside.

“How many times do I have to tell you. You are not in command of this ship. You do not get to tell my men what to do. You make me look like a fool, unable to control his own woman. You keep forgetting your place,” he yelled furiously, shaking her slightly.

Seska pulled back slightly, her eyes gave a flash of hatred before she softened, placing her mask on once more.

“My Maje,” she said coolly, stroking his arm lovingly, “I apologize. I am just passionate about taking care of our crew.”

“My crew.” He emphasized, shaking her off.

Seska touched his face gently. “Yes, your crew.”

Culluh gazed at her speculatively. He grabbed her hands, kissing one gently.

“Go to our quarters and have dinner prepared. I will be there shortly.”

Seska pulled back. “You don’t want me to help with repairs?”

“You have your orders.”

Seska reluctantly nodded. “Yes, Maje.” 

“And invite our guest. I think it’s time we finally put her to use.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, my brain is not smart sometimes. Not only did i spell things wrong, but i also flipped words like "one' and "won" for no reason whatsoever. Thank you to whoever pointed out the Bazaar/Bizarre. That made me lol
> 
> Again, updates are sporadic. Also i forgot to mention, this is my first time posting a story to this site, so formatting is a bit iffy. I'm still getting used to it.
> 
> Thank you for the kudos and the comments! I hope you enjoy where I take this story.


	3. Searching for Order in the Chaos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tuvok and Chakotay are struggling on Hanon IV. After three days, they finally find the time to discuss their situation.

Back on Hanon IV, Chakotay was sitting next to the fire he started, staring at the glowing embers and contemplating their next move. It had been a rough three days. Already they had lost a crewmember to some cave monster and Kes had been missing for a couple hours. Ensign Wildman’s baby was running a fever and all of them were starving.

The rest of the crew had fallen asleep huddled together, save for himself and Tuvok who sat at on the other side of the fire staring at it transfixed. The fire cracked and popped and danced around them filling the emptiness between them. The glow of the fire was a small comfort in the darkness that surrounded them. The unfamiliar and hostile land made the walls of the cave they were in feel as if they were watching them, waiting to swallow them up the moment they fell asleep.

“I’ve been thinking Tuvok,” Chakotay said breaking their silence. “We should approach the locals. They know this land better than us, they know what’s edible and where to find water. They also know the dangers. They’d be useful allies.”

Tuvok replied, “I have also thought about this. However, it would be difficult to maintain the prime directive. We may teach them something they might not have learned for themselves for another century.”

“I think it’s a little late for that, don’t you think? They’ve already seen us and they’re curious. It would be better to approach them in the open than to be attacked.”

“Perhaps we could observe them from a distance.” Tuvok postulated. 

“We don’t have time. That baby’s fever is not going down and every day we risk stumbling upon another one of those creatures in the caves. Or something even worse. They have the knowledge we need.”

Tuvok followed an ember into the night sky and stared at the stars. He knew what he would do. Starfleet regulation strictly prohibits interfering with natural evolution. It was a policy he completely agreed with. Interference was simply playing god to a species that didn’t know better.

“Look,” Chakotay said quietly, “I know it’s against regulation, but I’m trying to keep this crew alive and that is our best chance at survival. I made a promise to Kathryn that I would keep them safe and I intend to do so.”

Tuvok turned to him at the mention of her name. They hadn’t talked about her since that first day. It was easy enough to blame the circumstances. They were preoccupied with survival. He knew, though, his lack of mentioning her was also to prevent the pain that followed knowing she was with the Kazon, alone, and he could do nothing to help. If the captain were here, he would at least find comfort in fighting for survival together. Being separated kept him uneasy and anxious, like high-pitched nonlinear noise and dissonant intervals he once heard in Mr. Paris’s old earth horror films.

“I find myself asking, what the captain would do,” Tuvok said quietly. “And I must admit it is not clear. What I know of the captain, is that she believes in the prime directive as much as I do. On the other hand, she would do anything to protect her people.”

Chakotay peered at Tuvok over the fire and was surprised to see he was visibly upset. In the few years that he had known Tuvok, he had only seen indifference, even in the face of death. It could be starvation weakening his carefully built Vulcan walls, though more than likely it was his concern for Kathryn, a concern he shared deeply. Not only because her survival meant their rescue.

“I’ve been thinking about that too,” Chakotay admitted. “I don’t know how I’m going to tell her I let one of her crew die, and who knows what happened to Kes. How many of us will be left when or if she returns?”

Tuvok considering him carefully. Like all the others he was filthy, exhausted, and starved. The dark circles under his eyes made him appear gaunt and haunted. Tuvok knew he carried a tremendous burden of keeping his crew alive and his promise, and it was starting to eat at him like a burrowing animal, digging pieces out of him the deeper it went. It was a guilt he saw Captain Janeway wear, her own burrowing animal, one she seemed to nurture and care for. It made her do reckless things and he could see the warning signs on Chakotay. A recklessness for the sake of purging themselves of that guilt, and one that had already made him go against Captain Janeways orders before when he attempted to dismantle the transporter Seska had stolen.

In a clear, direct voice, Tuvok said, “Commander, there was nothing you could do. His death does not lay on your conscious. If anyone is to blame, it is the Kazon’s.”

“Don’t you see though Tuvok,” Chakotay said, his voice rising steadily. “I got us into this mess. If we hadn’t gone after Seska, we never would have fallen for her trap.”

“I disagree. Going after her was our only option. We were attempting to save an innocent life, your child’s. You acted as any parent would. There is no nobler purpose.”

Chakotay stared at the flames bitterly, contemplating where their problems with Seska began, a task he’d been doing since he learned of her betrayal. As far as he was concerned, it began the moment he let her on his Maquis ship. He combed his mind for all the interactions he’d had with her, looking for red flags that indicated what her true intentions were, and with the benefit of introspection he found her persistence for a relationship with him a glaring one. His own need for companionship left him vulnerable to manipulation and she’d had him twisting ever since.

“When I found out that you were a Starfleet spy,” Chakotay spoke to the flame, “I was angry but not surprised. Then I learn Seska betrayed our ship and gave technology to the Kazon’s, not only that, but she was a Cardassian spy on my ship as well. I’m not even going to mention Lon Suder.”

Tuvok had nearly forgotten about him. He was not happy that Suder was dead, but he was still thankful that the murderer had not been cast away with them. It was nearly the only break they caught throughout this whole mess.

“I’m not trying to bring up old wounds,” Chakotay continued, “I’m only trying to explain why I took off that day, when the Kazon’s had a stolen transporter. I can’t deny anymore it was for the ship. I went after them because I was embarrassed. More than that, I was ashamed. What kind of captain had I been that I had two spies working for me, and that I had fallen for Seska’s manipulation? How was I supposed to be a good first officer if my judgment could not be trusted? It was made even worse that my attempt to take back my dignity ended with having to be rescued. And if she hadn’t stolen my DNA…”

“Another instance, where it could not be helped.” Tuvok leaned forward, not breaking eye contact. From across the fire he could feel the anguish Chakotay was putting himself through. It radiated a different type of heat from the fire. It was unsettling and restless. Looking for an outlet like lightening.

“Please, allow me to offer some solace, Commander, as a friend. I want you to understand and carry this truth to your core. You did not have control of the situation. And I am sorry about that. You cannot place blame upon yourself for things you cannot control. I understand though, because it is easier to admit you had something to do with it when the reality, is that you had nothing to do with it. It’s humbling and terrifying to acknowledge there are moments in our life that we do not have a say in.”

Chakotay sniffed and looked away, a tear trickled down his face that he quickly wiped away. Tuvok averted his gaze to the fire, allowing him some privacy.

“I won’t pretend to know what you’re going through. All I can offer is my confidence should you wish to talk.” Tuvok finished.

The space between them grew silent once more, though a little less distant. Chakotay had chosen to ignore the implications of the “DNA extraction” from the beginning. Being face to face with his son left no question as to how she obtained his “DNA” while he was passed out and he felt violated and ashamed. Seska humiliated him in ways so deep it left scars to fester, every time she returned made him burn up like an infection.

And still, he couldn’t ignore that he had a son. Starting a family was something he kept pushing off when he was a Maquis. There was always another battle or mission that preoccupied his mind. In the delta quadrant, he didn’t have a war to fight, he had one mission and one mission only- to get home. It wasn’t until he was on New Earth with Kathryn and the idea of getting home was laid to rest, that the thought of starting a family rushed back to him. It hung over him like a warm blanket patched together with possibilities of life not yet lived, filled with children’s laughter and her company in his old age. He had accepted his fate so readily on New Earth because it meant building a life with her, someone he now considered his closest friend. When they returned to the ship, he struggled to go back to the way they were. She was technically still engaged and still his captain. Any thought of pushing the matter would be cruel to them both. So, he let the dream fade.

Then Seska showed up again. His greatest failure followed him around like a shadow. She brought with her his shame and his damaged dignity, carrying a part of himself that she stole. He wanted to flee and abandon her to the wolves she had fed. Then there was the child. That child that was half him and was no more guilty of his existence than he was for creating him. Leaving him at the hands of a race as hostile as the Kazon’s would be morally reprehensible. He couldn’t live with himself if he abandoned his only child, no matter who his mother is. 

It was bizarre that these feelings should appear now suddenly, unexpectedly, while he stared into an unfamiliar night sky, his eyes burning from the tears that pooled. He was sitting on a planet actively trying to kill them and his mind wandered into dangerous territory all its own. When he finally looked back down, he watched the crew sleeping, clustered together for warmth. Ensign Wildman held her baby tightly, even in sleep. He thought of his own child, who wouldn’t know him, and of Kathryn, who wouldn’t know how deeply he cared for her.

“I’ve come to a conclusion commander,” Tuvok spoke, startling Chakotay. “I agree. We should engage with the native inhabitants on a friendly approach. However, we must be sure to limit the knowledge we leave, should we learn to communicate.”

Chakotay nodded. He had to focus. He inhaled a deep breath, and let it go slowly. Letting his anger, and shame, and even his love get swallowed up and shoved back down. There would be time for all that later.

“We should observe them for a while first. Flush out the leader. Then we’ll approach. I’ll take Ensign Kim. If it goes south, you’ll need to stay behind and assume command,” he said.

“With all due respect commander, I will be going with you so that it does not, as you put it, ‘go south’. Taking care of the crew, also means taking care of yourself,” Tuvok argued.

Chakotay peered at him suspiciously. “Would you be arguing with Kathryn about this?”

Tuvok raised an eyebrow, “Yes.” He said plainly. “Likely she would have won the argument as she tends to get the last word, but in this case, I will not take no for an answer. While Ensign Kim is more than capable, as senior security officer, and at this moment, your first officer, and friend, it is my duty to protect the captain. This I can say with certainty, is what Captain Janeway would have done.”

Chakotay could tell there was more to it than that. There was an anger that he recognized in him as he stared into the fire once more.

“You know Tuvok, what you said about control. That extends to you too. There was nothing any of us could have done to keep her with us,” He said quietly. It was a truth he also was struggling to admit.

Tuvok swallowed, unsure if he should share his thoughts because they disturbed him so greatly. He sighed. “I was thinking of what Maje Culluh told the captain. That she should be treated as any Kazon woman and I was reminded of something Neelix told me. When we were debating creating an alliance with them, he briefed the captain and I on their culture, as far as what he knew. For the captains sake, he emphasized their feelings towards women. It is highly illogical, and perhaps why they’re civilization had stalled technologically. Their women are married off at a young age, forbidden from learning any skill outside of taking care of a family. They have far more rules and laws governing their lives and bodies, making it nearly impossible for growth. They have few opportunities outside marriage and adult entertainment. As the captain is their prisoner and is to be treated as a Kazon, it would only be logical…” he hesitated. “For her to be tasked with the latter.”

Chakotay swallowed. He hadn’t allowed himself to think of what specific hell Kathryn might be going through and admittedly didn’t want to lest he spiral down a rabbit hole of pain and loathing- both of which were unhelpful at the moment. He was so preoccupied with the idea that she might _never_ return that he hadn’t stopped to think of what state of mind she could be returning with. Looking across the fire he could tell Tuvok was deeply disturbed. Considering the discipline he had, even for a Vulcan, this was practically a full on passionate display of anger. Had Tuvok been human, Chakotay mused, he’d probably be throwing things and yelling like a mad man.

He saw, then, that Tuvok loved Kathryn deeply. Not in a way so much that jealousy surfaced, but the kind of love you get with family you choose. It was all encompassing and loyal, able to look at your faults clearly and head-on and want to walk beside them anyway. It made him think of his own sister back home and he ached to speak with her one more time.

“Tuvok, whatever happens, however she returns to us, she’ll be okay,” he said quietly, determined to believe it himself.

Tuvok sighed. “My experience with Captain Janeway knows this to be true. It does not make knowing she must suffer through it any easier.”

“She’s lucky you know,” Chakotay added. Tuvok peered at him quizzically.

“How so?” he asked, unclear how anything about this situation had to do with luck.

“She has a friend like you,” Chakotay assured.

Tuvok considered him. “On the contrary, it is I who benefits most from our relationship. If anyone were to be considered ‘lucky’, it is myself.”

In that moment Ensign Kim stirred, leaning tiredly on his arms as he tried to adjust to being awake.

“I’m sorry Harry, did we wake you? You still have time before we switch,” Chakotay said gently.

Harry rubbed his eyes.

“No,” he said through a yawn, “It’s going to sound childish but I had a nightmare.”

Chakotay smiled sadly.

“Everyone gets nightmares, especially now when we live in one. Do you want to talk about it?” Chakotay asked kindly.

Harry sighed with his whole body. As one of the youngest crew members, Captain Janeway had become particularly protective of him and in many ways reminded him of his mother. The exception of course was that Captain Janeway not only allowed him to experience danger first hand, she had encouraged him to figure it out himself and stood idly by in case she needed to jump in. Many times, he found himself grateful for this and wondered if he had been cast into the delta quadrant with any other captain, whether he would have been afforded the same luxury to grow as a Starfleet officer and more specifically into a better man. 

“I was just back on the bridge, the moment the Kazon’s stormed in,” Harry spoke distantly. “I guess it was less of a nightmare and more of a memory I was reliving.”

Chakotay nodded sympathetically. “We’ve been reliving some memories as well.”

Harry briefly glanced beside him at B’Ellana, who had fallen asleep with a scowl that was still present. It made him think of Tom, who definitely would have made some joke about it, though he was too tired to contemplate what stupid crack he would make.

“Do you think Tom is alive?” he asked sheepishly.

“As we do not know the fate of the shuttlecraft, we cannot definitively say otherwise,” Tuvok speculated.

“I bet Tom is out there right now, working on a way to get back to Voyager,” Chakotay added. “Between his ingenuity and the captains tenacity, the Kazon’s don’t stand a chance.”


	4. The Dinner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kathryn learns of Culluhs intentions for her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is where i warn you of triggers.  
> (Again new to the format of this site, so i hope i got the rating right)
> 
> This was a hard chapter to write, not only for the subject matter but because i was having to strategize for three different people, two of which are supposed to be much smarter than i am haha. I was also waiting to post until i had the next chapter mostly completed. I didn't want to leave it on this rather horrendous note for too long.

Kathryn had combed through every inch of Chakotays room, searching for any kind of weapon he may have absentmindedly tossed aside. Pulling the coach cushions off one by one and finding nothing, she concluded that Seska’s preparations for her being here had been thorough. Not that much of a plan had ever come to fruition in her days of solitude. She couldn’t possibly fight them off herself and she’ll be damned if Voyager was destroyed while her crew was stranded. She briefly considered turning off environmental control should she find a way to gain access, taking the Kazon’s down with her. Then she remembered there was an infant on board and even if it was Seska’s, that child, ( _Chakotay’s child_ , she reminded herself), didn’t deserve to die.

Her only option was to force the Kazons to abandon ship. Quickly rummaging through her battered memory, she thought of the few times _she_ had considered abandoning ship. Most incidences they had been under attack- except for one.

The only way this plan would work is if she gained access to engineering. Which was crawling with Kazons, not to mention the guard assigned to watch her at all times. However, they were having problems already or else they would have been at warp. She might be able to convince them to let her help with repairs, but that would require a level of trust the Kazon’s, or better yet Seska, didn’t possess.

Tom Paris was the only factor she had left to cling to that could get her out of this. It was her last shred of hope that he could be out there, hiding and plotting to take the ship back. Kathryn leaned against the side of Chakotay’s bed, her arms wrapped firmly around her knees, having found comfort in this position for the last three days. Tom was more than capable of such a tall order. It stung her, nevertheless, to force over control of the situation and admit that presently her role was reduced to sitting and waiting for an opportunity to strike.

“What’s wrong flower?”

Kathryn looked up to see the guard in the door, leaning against the side, gun in hand. She turned away, choosing to ignore his taunt. He, however, wasn’t content to leave her be. He walked in, leaned down next to her, gun still on display, his hand near the trigger.

“I said, what’s wrong flower? You have a tongue, don’t you?” The Kazon guard mocked again, only to be met with stony silence.

“Not too talkative now, are we?” He stared at her appraisingly before grabbing her arm and jerking her up, startling her.

“Come, Maje Culluh wishes for you to dine with him,” The Kazon guard said simply then yanked her out of the room with a firm grip.

He dropped her just inside the door of her old quarters where Seska was setting the dining room table.

“What’s going on?” Kathryn asked.

“What does it look like?” Seska snapped.

Kathryn didn’t say more, realizing Seska was in no mood to be argued with. She stood awkwardly by the door until Culluh walked in briskly, not even glancing at Kathryn. He sat down at the head of the table and drank the red beverage Seska had waiting for him in one swig.

“What have you prepared for us?” he asked as he poured himself another glass.

“I thought you might enjoy some Telagorg. It’s a delicate meat in the alpha quadrant I think you’ll enjoy. I have the replicator working on it now,” Seska said sweetly. The replicator gave a timely chime and Seska produced the small pig like animal surrounded by hearty potatoes and various other vegetables.

Culluh grabbed the knives and began tearing into the meat viciously. He was nearly halfway done with his plate before Seska started eating; a Kazon tradition, Kathryn judged.

Culluh was 2 and ½ glasses in when he finally looked up at Kathryn. He leaned back in his chair grinning, partly Kathryn assumed, due to the alcohol now wafting off him.

“How rude of me! Please, Kathryn have a seat,” Culluh said, gesturing to the chair beside him.

The dread Kathryn was feeling earlier was beginning to take form. This was going to be a test, she was sure of it, to see if she would behave. He was going to push and nudge her to see what would break and she refused to rise to the bait. With her head held high, she sat next to him, determined to push back. Kathryn knew how to handle this type of man and it wasn’t with reason. They only respond to equal aggression, putting them in their place as much as they tried to put you in yours.

“Pour our guest a drink, Seska,” Culluh said, not taking his eyes off her. Kathryn returned his glare with fire.

Seska poured a glass and set it down in front of Kathryn, the fake smile she had earlier disappeared and replaced with a look of confusion. It seemed to Kathryn, Seska didn’t quite know why she was here either. Seska’s jaw was locked tight and her brow furrowed in confusion.

Kathryn didn’t pick up the drink. She could tell the alcohol was strong just by the smell of it and with her empty stomach and dehydration she was sure to feel the effects after one glass and she didn’t dare lose any more sense of control than she already had.

“It’s rude to reject what’s offered to you by your gracious host. Drink,” He punctuated.

Kathryn glanced at the gun he had placed on the table, sighed resignedly, and tipped a small amount into her mouth. Culluh, not satisfied, tipped it farther back making her sputter and cough as it stung it’s way down.

“You must be hungry too. Three days in the brig will do that to you,” Culluh remarked , snapping his fingers at Seska, who was becoming more irritated by the moment, but did as he commanded, and threw the food roughly onto her plate.

Kathryn hesitated briefly, considering if this may be part of the game he was playing, however, her stomach was pleading with her and she decided she didn’t care what the ramifications may be. She grabbed the fork beside her and began eating, the first bite was like being awakened by a bright light. Her senses tingled alive and soon she found half her plate was gone.

Culluh had observed her, looking pleased with himself with the state of her starvation. Seska on the other hand, was growing more and more anxious. She was tapping her fingers testily on the table, her face twisted in a tense frown.

“You may have noticed we are having trouble with our engines,” Culluh said filling Kathryns glass with more of the red alcohol and nudging it in her direction.

Not wanting a repeat of last time, she took the glass, hesitated briefly by her lips, then took a bit bigger drink than before while keeping eye contact with Culluh, who nodded and tipped his own glass to his lips. Already she was beginning to feel the effects of the alcohol and it only intensified her dread. Her throbbing head was now woozy, her stomach lurched as if sea sick.

“I wondered what you would make of that,” Culluh asked.

“What seems to be the problem,” Kathryn asked cautiously.

“Our antimatter froze without warning and our internal sensor relays are damaged,” Culluh added.

Seska couldn’t hold back any longer and said with a terse smile, “I’ve already seen to that damage Maje. There’s no reason to get the prisoner involved.”

Culluh gave her a sharp look that made her silent.

“I have a feeling Kathryn knows more than you do about it,” Culluh stated. 

“I’ve been in the brig for the last three days. I don’t have a clue what caused that damage,” Kathryn said disdainfully.

“We have an intruder on board, no doubt trying to taking the ship back. You haven’t been handing out orders have you, Kathryn?” Culluh asked slyly.

Kathryn was taken aback. She had no idea someone else was still on board. She doubted it was Tom, he wouldn’t have been able to sneak on board with the shields up, unless he miraculously had updated his teleportation technology. She didn’t exactly get a head count on who was stranded but knew it wasn’t any of her officers. The only person she could think of was the doctor but he was confined to sick bay, he wouldn’t be able to access the panels in any of the Jefferies tubes to cause that kind of damage.

“I can honestly say I haven’t talked to anyone from my crew since you’ve graciously let me stay on board,” Kathryn retorted.

Culluh assessed her and seemed to agree. He got up from the table and hit an intercom. His voice rang throughout the ship.

_Intruder, this is the Captain of the Kazon vessel you are trying to siege. Currently, my men are working to find you, and I assure you, we will find you. However, should you wish to give yourself up, I will allow you and your former captain to live. If you do not comply by tomorrow or if you are found before so, I will be forced to enact a slow and painful death upon your former captain, with your own death to follow. You have been warned._

Culluh walked back, choosing to stand behind Kathryn and placing his rough hands on her shoulders making her flinch.

“Now, what to do with you until then,” Culluh wondered aloud, a sick grin on his face.

Kathryn chose to stare at a fixed point on the table.

“You can relax Kathryn, I have no intention of killing you. Not yet.” Culluh gently rubbed his hands down her arms. A chill ran up her spine.

“No, I have a greater purpose for you, the most respectable role a woman can achieve. I’m offering you a place by my side, her place,” Culluh proposed gesturing to Seska.

Kathryn turned to look at him suddenly. Seska’s mouth dropped.

“You can’t be serious,” they both replied.

“Maje, she will never give you loyalty,” Seska argued.

“Unlike you I suppose? Whose loyalty only lies with yourself?” Culluh snapped back, his hands clutching hard into Kathryn’s shoulders.

“Maje please, I have been by your side helping you, giving you the tools you needed and look at where we are. We have Voyager and all her advanced technology, because of me,” Seska said smoothly, reaching forward. “You need me.” 

“You don’t decide what I need! I don’t need your knowledge of the ship anymore Seska, what I need is my woman,” Culluh replied seething.

“But I _am_ yours,” Seska replied lovingly.

“You don’t act like it. You act like you want to be a Maje yourself.”

“Only to help you lead your men. I’m here to help you. Besides, if you’re looking for a woman whose going to sit behind you quietly, Kathryn here is the last choice anyone would make,” Seska smirked.

Culluh traced Kathryns jaw then grabbed it roughly to make her face him.

“Kathryn here will make a beautiful piece. The other Maje’s will look at me with her ship and its former captain with envy.”

Kathryn yanked her face out if his hand and spat venomously, “I will fight you in every moment, I will be planning to escape every chance I get, and I will take the first opportunity without hesitation to kill you.”

“I would expect nothing less. But know this,” Culluh leaned down menacingly, “Stronger beings than you have knelt to the Kazon’s before. Eventually you’ll come around, if only to survive. They all do. Who knows, you may even find it comforting to let the men handle your livelihood. You’ll have the freedom to tend and care for a family, that is your purpose in the world after all.”

Becoming more concerned by the turn of events, Seska seethed, “She cannot be trusted. She will betray you the moment you turn your back,”

“Oh, I know exactly what her motivations are. Unlike you, I know where we stand,” Culluh sneered. “Soon, the ship will be repaired, the intruder captured and executed, and we will be underway to bring peace to the Kazon empire under my rule.”

Culluh sat down next to Seska and grabbed her hand with a gentleness Kathryn didn’t think him capable of.

Culluh continued, “I have given you time to come to terms with our culture, I have warned you multiple times to hold your tongue, and you refuse to obey! Now that we have the ship, and someone else who knows it better than yourself, your knowledge of it is no longer required. I’m giving you one final chance, Seska. All I need from you is for you to be my woman, standing behind me, supporting _my_ decisions. If you can’t do that much, well,” Culluh dropped her hand and reached over and pulled Kathryn up by her arm to him, grabbing her around the waist. “I can get that from her as well and you and your bastard son will be dropped off at the next hospitable planet.”

Kathryn forced her arms between them and tried to pry herself from his grip. He was much stronger than her, even if she hadn’t been badly hurt and woozy from the alcohol. Of all the scenarios she envisioned for why Culluh had brought her aboard, replacing Seska was not on the list. It was never about her being punished for withholding technology or revenge, this had always been about Seska. Whether or not Kathryn actually could be a better woman was irrelevant. He was only using her to prove a point to Seska; that she could be replaced. She was disposable. The way Kathryn saw it Seska only had two options. Culluh was losing his patience with her and eventually they would figure the ship out and wouldn’t need her. Her role would be reduced to consort and mother to his children. But if she left, she and her child would lose their protection and destroy everything she had built with the Kazons, and with it the very reason she betrayed Voyager in the first place.

Seska appeared to have drawn the same conclusion and said angrily, dropping her manipulative pretense, “You’re bluffing. You don’t want Kathryn.”

Culluh clenched his jaw then looked directly at Kathryn. He gently brushed the hair out of her face and placed a firm hand around the back of her neck. Kathryn let out a tense breathe, avoiding his penetrating stare.

“On the contrary. I found her captivating from the beginning,” Culluh addressed Kathryn, “You are a beautiful woman for your species once you remove that uniform. Your talents were wasted playing captain. You will service me, bear me a son. That will be your role.”

Culluh leaned down and kissed her hard and firm on the mouth. His breathe tasted like alcohol and meat, making her stomach churn. She attempted to push him off of her only to be met with a firmer grip around her neck.

Finally he pulled away, leaving his arm wrapped tightly around Kathryn’s waist and pulling her body next to his.

“What will it be Seska, We both know I am not a patient man,” Culluh demanded.

Seska was left speechless. After a moment, Culluh took that silence for an answer and to Kathryn, nearly appeared disappointed.

“Very well, see yourself out of my quarters, Kathryn and I will settle this now,” Culluh demanded and turned towards the bed with Kathryn dragged along behind him.

Kathryn’s eyes bulged as she immediately dug her heels into the floor. She pulled away from him and clawed at his grip around her arm.

“I thought you said a man who violates a woman under his command does not deserve a son. I am your prisoner and therefore under your command.” Kathryn reasoned desperately.

Culluh stopped and turned. His eyes met hers briefly before he looked past her and at Seska. His face turned to stone immediately.

“You will be my woman. Your duties are to me,” Culluh stated as if that resolved anything and pulled her in close to him. With one arm wrapped around her torso, her arms pinned between her body and his, he started untying the many knots down the back of her dress. Her heart beat so profusely it felt as if it might fly out of her chest. She struggled while his hands roamed her exposed back, his hot breath next to her ear. As he reached the bottom knot, she was finally able to get an arm free and with all the force she could muster, she pulled back and punched him as hard as she could in the face, sending him backwards.

“You’ll have to kill me Culluh, I will not give myself willingly,” She growled as she held her dress to keep from slipping down her shoulders.

Culluh stood, somehow taller than before, and spat blood on the carpet beside them. Kathryn remained firm, standing as tall as she could muster, her eyes steel.

“Your death won’t be necessary,” Culluh stated angrily. If it wasn’t about Kathryn before, it was now. Her punch focused his energy and removed any reservations he may have had. He swiftly grabbed ahold of her once more, pinning her arm behind her back and picking her off the floor. She kicked into the air as he threw her onto the bed. She immediately tried to crawl away but he landed on her, turned her over and pinned her legs beneath his own. He grabbed her arms and pulled them above her head, holding them by her thin wrists with one hand.

He leaned down to kiss her neck but she bucked her head, nearly hitting him in the face. He used his free hand to slap her hard, stunning her long enough to plant his egregious mouth along her neck. His hand began to roam up her dress along her thigh until he found the edge of her bottoms and began to pull.

Kathryn yelled, “No!” and wriggled her hips out of his grasp. 

Culluh, a beastly look in his eyes pressed harder into her wrists and locked his legs around her thighs.

“Fight all you want. You’ll all know your place soon enough,” Culluh growled, leaning down and kissing her again his hand now reaching for the button on his pants.

Suddenly from across the room, Seska snapped, “Okay.”

Culluh backed off slightly but kept his grip firm and his face within inches of Kathryn’s.

Kathryn peered over at Seska her breathing ragged and her heart pounding. She was shocked Seska was still around and more than a little angry that she sat back and did nothing, able to watch her being assaulted.

“Oh, you wish to speak up now?” Culluh smirked giving Kathryn’s neck a small peck.

Seska walked closer to them, her legs like cement blocks.

“I agree to your terms. I will be your woman, and nothing more,” Seska said, her eyes betraying the rage she felt inside.

Culluh finally looked up at her.

“You will hold your tongue in front of others?” Culluh asked.

“Yes,” Seska said angrily.

“Yes, _what_?”

Seska huffed. “Yes, _Maje_.”

Culluh removed himself from his position on top of Kathryn, who immediately jumped out of the bed and leaned against the wall closest to the door holding her dress against her body. Pleased with himself he grabbed Seska’s arm’s and grinned bigger than Kathryn had ever seen.

“Then kneel,” Culluh demanded. Seska gave Kathryn a passing glance, before kneeling reluctantly in front of him.

“Until I trust you, Kathryn stays aboard. One toe out of line and you will be replaced and swiftly tossed off this ship. Do I make myself clear?” Culluh commanded.

“Yes Maje,” Seska replied. A moment passed between them before Culluh shouted, “Guard.”

The door opened and Kathryn’s guard walked in.

“Escort the prisoner to her quarters. Her services are no longer required,” He said, his eye’s never leaving Seska’s.

Kathryn left without hesitation, clinging to her dress, the guard following right after her. Halfway down the hall her head started swirling and she had to lean against the wall.

“Do you need some help flower?” The Kazon guard asked sickly sweet as he went to wrap his arm around her exposed shoulders. She swatted away his hand instantly and stared him down with all the grit she could muster.

“Don’t,” was all she could bring herself to say through the compounding pain and shock. Her situation had turned so quickly and her mind so sluggish she was struggling to get her footing. She knew how close she had come to- she couldn’t bear to even think the word.

She took a deep breath. Now wasn’t the time for that kind of thinking. _Focus._

The Kazon guard watched her with mild amusement as she stiffened her back and walked purposely back to Chakotay’s quarters. She must have earned some trust as they allowed her to close the door. Now with some veil of privacy she tied up the back of her dress with shaky hands. As she looked down she noted faint bruises already forming around her wrists.

Her head still levitating on its own, she had to sit down. _Focus_ she thought forcefully.

_Culluh said there was an intruder and they were responsible for damaging the ship._ _He also gave them an ultimatum. She had to reach them before they did anything to try to rescue her, whoever that was. How was she going to find someone who was also being hunted by the Kazon? Where would she hide? She wouldn’t, she’d keep on the move, looking for resources. The doctor! He’d of course still be on board, unable to leave his sick bay. And the Kazon’s wouldn’t need security around him, he’s not, at least to them, a real person. The trouble now, is how to get to sickbay with an armed guard._

Without thinking, she stood up as if to storm her way out. The action alone made her dizzy and she had to catch herself on the back of the couch. She couldn’t leave now. She could barely stand. She’d have to wait for the alcohol to leave her system and her head to clear. Until then, she would have to stay put, something she struggled to do on her best days.

All she had left to do now was sort her thoughts. She took another deep breath surprised by the tear that made its way down her cheek. She wiped it away, annoyed with herself. _Now is not the time._

A chill ran across her skin giving her goosebumps. Looking down she saw one of Chakotay’s jackets. She picked it up, gave it a loving squeeze and put it on. The memory alone made her warmer. She wrapped it around her body tight and sat back down to stare out the window.

Now in the safety of his presence she found the clarity needed to process her new predicament. Culluh never needed her for her knowledge of the ship. He was arrogant, and belittling, but even he knew that she would never give him the information that he needed. He’d seen her stubbornness first hand, had commented on it. No, what he needed was someone who could _claim_ to know the ship more than Seska, making her knowledge of it obsolete. His only goal was relegating Seska’s role to dutiful child-bearing housewife. That charade was nothing more than him asserting dominance, beating his chest like an animal, and telling Seska how unimportant she was- how easy she was to replace.

Kathryn knew exactly what was happening in her quarters at this moment, and as much as she loathed Seska, she pitied her. Granted, her choices brought her to this point. She knew when she aided the Kazon’s exactly what type of people they were, she cozied up with one in order to get protection. What she didn’t calculate was what that protection would cost.

Now Kathryn’s fate was twisted into hers. Unless she was able to escape, she would be held prisoner until he felt Seska had finally taken to her new role. One thing was clear, Culluh had no intention of ever letting her go and she didn’t want to stick around to see what he might have in store for her next.


	5. The Intruder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The intruder is revealed.

“Mr. Suder, you can’t give yourself over to them! You’re the only person that stands even a remote chance of freeing the captain. If you were captured yourself it only serves to guarantee neither of your safety!” The Doctor argued.

The Doctor paced his office, his brow furrowed. Captain Janeway had swiftly changed from prisoner to hostage because of their actions, and Lon Suder, who sat on the floor against the wall with his head leaning into his hand, was taking it hard. The Doctor was well aware of his recently acquired morality. Tuvok’s teachings had worked wonders on the man and you didn’t need to see the new neural pathways being built in his frontal lobe to witness his transformation. His feelings however, were still building. His emotional developmental stage was more akin to a toddler than the adult man that he was. It was as fragile as a porcelain vase. 

“And if they kill her? Because of me? My life is meaningless compared to hers,” Suder spoke quietly.

The Doctor leaned down and looked him in the eyes.

“They kept the captain in the brig for three days. If they were going to kill her they surely would have done it by now. They need her for something. This negotiation is only a ruse to appeal to your loyalty to the captain,” The Doctor reasoned.

Suder looked up at him, his eyes betraying the turmoil he was in.

“We should have broken her out. We’ve let her down,” Suder replied solemnly.

“You and I both know it was impossible. Seska overrode the security clearance immediately upon overthrowing the ship. Even if hadn’t been impossible to reach the brig without getting yourself killed first, you never would have been able to open that force field,” The Doctor replied.

He stood up and started pacing his office once more, rubbing his chin. Never had he hated the fact that he was locked in sickbay, a prisoner in his own right, more. Forced to be an observer while the ship was taken, his captain tortured, and he could do nothing went against everything he was built for. Mr. Suder was his only ally and he couldn’t help but think there couldn’t be a worse team in the entire voyager crew left to rescue their ship than a hologram and a murderer.

“We ascertained the location of Captain Janeway before the sensors went down, so we know they moved her to Commander Chakotay’s quarters. We also know, that she has at least one guard with her at all times and that she shares that floor with Culluh and Seska who are rarely in their quarters. I think if we’re going to attempt a rescue mission this is our best shot,” The Doctor postulated.

Mr. Suder sighed and placed his head between his arms.

“I’m going to have to kill, aren’t I?” he voiced.

The Doctor looked at him worriedly.

“Commander Tuvok has trained you in the difference between necessary and unnecessary violence correct?” He asked. 

Suder nodded.

“Well I can assure you Mr. Suder, saving the captain and this ship more than qualifies as necessary,” the Doctor responded.

“I can see that Doctor. My concern is that once that beast is let free I won’t be able to put him back,” Suder said quietly, a note of fear in his voice.

“You told Commander Tuvok in the beginning that you felt nothing and look at where you are now. I can see multiple emotions from you with your predominant being your compassion. The journey you’ve taken to become who you are cannot be brushed aside by the actions you commit today. You know and understand more than you did then. If anything, you are better equipped to deal with this trauma than you were at any other point in your life. I have the utmost confidence in you,” the Doctor said comfortingly.

Mr. Suder peered at him unconvinced, yet stood having resigned to his predicament. Not once in his life had he felt anything other than instinct. His emotional freedom created a new lens with which to see the world with, the good and the bad. What was once gray was suddenly yellows and blues and reds, and he’d only begun to explore all the shades in between. The thought of reverting back to that emptiness was terrifying, yet he knew he owed it to the crew and especially the captain, who had spared his life. To him, it hardly scratched the surface of the debt he felt needed repaid.

“Now, we have to find a way to reach the captain,” The Doctor continued. “They’re going to be expecting you to attempt a rescue mission. That area is going to be more secure than ever.”

“There’s a Jefferies tube that leads to the floor underneath. From there I can crawl up one of the emergency hatches. It’s going to be slow going but I think I can get to her,” Mr. Suder replied.

Suddenly the door chime to sickbay went off. The Doctor hid behind a cupboard and watched as Mr. Suder quickly crawled into the conduit and out of sight. He felt like he was pushing Suder into committing murder, even if it was for the sake of the captain. It went against the core of his existence which was built to mend and heal not tear apart. He knew his delicate state of mind was going to bend and bend until it snapped. It wasn’t a matter of if but when and he could only hope that he’d make it until the ship was theirs once more and Commander Tuvok was able to piece him back together.

“Activate emergency medical hologram,” said a female voice.

_Showtime_ thought the Doctor and walked out more confident than he actually was.

“Please state the nature of your medical emergency,” The Doctor said robotically. Waiting for him was Seska, bouncing her newborn child in her arms. At first glance she seemed agitated and disheveled. Her hair was pushed flimsily behind her ear, her clothes askew on her frame ever so slightly. Upon closer inspection, his knowledge of micro expressions denoted a hint of sadness and he was surprised to find himself pitying her. If he didn’t know her to be a master manipulator he might have believed it to be true.

“Hello Doctor, remember me?” Seska said, a slight frown mixed with her condescending tone.

“How could I forget one of the most interesting medical mysteries I’ve ever witnessed,” the Doctor responded congenially. He pulled out his medical tricorder and began scanning the child.

“I wanted to let you know there has been a shift in command. This vessel is now under Kazon control. Are you okay with that?” She asked, watching him intently.

The Doctor bit the impulse to respond sarcastically, it being his primary language after all. _Of course I’m not okay with it, I’m a Starfleet issued hologram, taking over the vessel means taking over me!_

Instead he responded casually, “I’m a hologram that responds to medical emergencies. I don’t worry myself with command.”

“There’s no Starfleet loyalty engrained into your circuits?” Seska prodded.

The Doctor gritted his teeth.

“I can assure you, my ‘circuits’ are programmed for medical purposes only,” the Doctor said.

Seska appeared satisfied with his answers and focused her attention on the baby who had been content to chew on his fist while she interrogated him. She brushed the top of his head lovingly and smiled when the baby reached up for her and batted his arms.

The doctor finished scanning and said, “Your baby’s in good health.”

Seska smiled at him gratefully and picked up her son off the bio-bed.

“You don’t know how primitive Kazon medicine is. I’m sure Chakotay would be glad to know you’re looking after his son.”

“Chakotay’s son?” asked the Doctor bewildered. “That isn’t Chakotay’s son.”

The Doctor peered at Seska over the tricorder and was surprised to see for the first time, fear.

“But you’re wrong, doctor. I impregnated myself with his DNA,” She replied worriedly.

“That may have been your intention but it certainly wasn’t the result. Here. See for yourself,” the Doctor said pointing at a screen. “Your child has Cardassian DNA strands here, and Kazon DNA here. Human DNA has a significantly different nucleotide sequence.”

Seska backed away, holding her child wearily as he began to cry. She bounced him lightly, her eyes looked a million miles away. 

“But I was so certain. He looks…” she trailed off.

“He’s the first offspring of a Cardassian and a Kazon, we have no frame of reference by which to judge his initial appearance. Perhaps he will develop more Kazon features as he matures,” the Doctor remarked.

“Maje Culluh will be so pleased,” She mumbled.

Now seeing Seska fully the Doctor noted a bruise forming around her neck. He pulled his tricorder out once more and began scanning her.

“What are you doing?” She asked angrily.

“I’ve noted a hematoma forming on your neck. My protocol is to scan for any other signs of internal bleeding,” The Doctor stated plainly.

Seska pushed the tricorder away from her.

“I’m fine. Thank you for the good news Doctor. End Emergency Medical Hologram,” She said bitterly, grabbing her child and leaving swiftly as the Doctor dissolved back into his void.

Once he felt safe she was gone, he appeared back in sickbay. He knew what Seska was and how much she harmed this crew, especially Commander Chakotay, and yet he couldn’t ignore the obvious abuse she was suffering under. It was easy to blame her for her own circumstances; after all, she was the one who supplied the Kazon’s with their technology and chose to pledge her allegiance to them. If he looked at things from her perspective, as warped as they may be, he could see the logic behind her actions. She was a trained spy made to trust no one and then she’s forced out here, in her disguise, and forced to rely on a woman who represents Starfleet to the core to get them home. Of course she was going to take matters into her own hands. The Kazon’s just happened to be the first opportunity she had. No matter what she did though, her and that child didn’t deserve this kind of abuse, no one does.

The Doctor sat at his desk weighing his many concerns. His concern for Seska and the child nearly made him forget of the harrowing journey Mr. Suder was on and the welfare of the captain.

Unable to contact her the last three days, he was left to check in on her periodically through the computer, making sure she was still alive and keeping tabs on the Kazon’s in her area. In that time he noted she was never visited by a Kazon and wondered how or if she was given food and water. His concern grew minute by minute the longer she was left alone. Not to mention the severe psychological trauma that comes with extended periods of isolation. He imagined that if he could feel physical pain it would feel something like this. It was all-consuming and anxious, like a trapped animal clawing at a cage to get out.

_Please hurry._

Captain Janeway woke up startled. She had pushed herself into a corner of the room and fallen asleep despite herself, wrapped tightly in Chakotay’s jacket. She looked around for whatever had touched her neck and saw nothing but emptiness. She took a breath to still her heart and stood up woozily.

No longer dizzy from the alcohol, yet still painfully aware of her other unchecked injuries, she estimated she’d only been asleep for two or three hours. She walked over to the bathroom sink and went to turn it on only to find that the water had been shut off. Kathryn gripped the counter tightly, not bothering to look in the mirror this time. She should have known better than to expect any change to her treatment. She pushed off angrily, clutching her head.

She didn’t dare waste any more time. Every second that passed could bring whoever was sabotaging the ship closer to being caught or turning themselves in. She paced as she gathered her courage to enact the plan she formulated. Had she thought brute force alone would get her out she’d have done so. No, a basic tactic for taking down enemies bigger and stronger was to outwit them, and with the Kazon’s it wasn’t that hard to do. The plan made her nauseous anyways. She took one last deep breath and pulled off the jacket that had kept her together, folding it gently and placing it on the bed. She untied the back of her dress, letting it drape down her shoulders and exposing her back. She knocked on the door to the room lightly.

The Kazon guard opened the door, a look of surprise dimpled his grin. 

“What is it flower?” he asked playfully.

“I was hoping you could help me,” she said low and sweet, giving him her best innocent doe eyed gaze as she showed him the back of her dress flaunting her bare shoulders.

The Kazon guard’s grin grew wider as he gripped his gun excitedly and replied, “It would be my pleasure, flower.” 

_That’s what I’m counting on_ she thought.

He followed her into the room, his gun left swinging around his shoulder. She stood facing away from him with her hair pulled to the front, waiting expectantly. Suddenly his hands were gently tracing the curvature of her spine. She had to keep herself from shuddering.

“The Maje is foolish to choose that woman over you. You are far more delicate a being,” he spoke into her ear.

He took his time knotting them back up, lingering on the last tie. She turned to thank him only to be met with a firm grip around her waist as he pulled her close to him.

“How about a kiss, as a thank you?” The Kazon guard hummed.

Kathryn ignored the eye roll forming and smiled. She leaned in and kissed the guard, who in return kissed back forcefully, his hands groping along her body. She started to place her hand around his gun when he was suddenly yanked away from her. She stood shocked as Lon Suder, his arms wrapped tightly around the Kazons neck, dragged the guard to the floor. The guard clawed at the arm around his neck desperate for air. Mr. Suder’s grip was firm and unyielding as he stared distantly.

And then the guard stopped moving. Mr. Suder however, did not release his grip.

Kathryn shook off the shock and kneeled in front of him slowly. He was somewhere else, an intensity pulsated off him with the rhythm of a slow beating heart.

She spoke gently, “Mr. Suder, it’s ok. He’s gone now. You can let go.”

She leaned forward hesitantly, and gently touched his shoulder. He shuddered and finally looked up at her and then at the Kazon guard. He quickly dropped him and backed away against the nearest wall. His breath caught in his throat, his whole body shook as he collapsed into himself. Kathryn approached him cautiously. She knew how unstable he was, she’d witnessed his anger first hand not that long ago and was convinced had Tuvok not been there, he surely would have acted on it. His impulse control was only beginning to form and this situation was going to put him over the edge. She felt like she was nearing a wounded animal that might strike unprovoked.

“Mr. Suder, you did what you had to do. You saved my life,” She said kindly. “You’re the intruder, aren’t you?”

Lon Suder nodded slowly.

“I have a plan to take back the ship but I need your help. Will you please help me?”

Suder looked up at her and took a deep breath and nodded.

“We need to find a way to get to engineering without being caught. I’m assuming since you’ve been roaming around the ship undetected you know where the Kazon’s are patrolling?” she asked.

Suder cleared his throat and said quietly, “Engineering is heavily guarded. There’s access through the ceiling closet but it would be suicide.”

“We’ll need to clear it out then,” Kathryn stated.

“But how?” Suder asked.

“Leave that up to me. When there’s a path to the antimatter control panel I want you to extract the Tellerium and get out as soon as possible. The most I can give you is five minutes so I need you to be clear headed and focused. Do you understand me?” Kathryn commanded.

Suder nodded unconvincingly.

“This ship needs you. Our crew needs you. I need you. Can you promise me that you will stay focused? We’re only going to get one shot at this,” she pleaded.

“Yes,” he replied quietly.

“Are you sure?” she questioned.

Suder stood up and said determinedly, “I got this captain.”

She grabbed his shoulders reassuringly and nodded then turned and grabbed the gun from around the Kazon guard’s waist and armed it.

“Now, let’s go get my ship back.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll admit, this chapter's shorter than i wanted but I really wanted to end it on that quote haha
> 
> Could be a while until the next update FYI.


	6. End in Sight

The Doctor was growing impatient. It had been over an hour since Suder had left and the sickbay was left in the dark. The ship remained silent in that time yet he could swear he could hear a soft buzzing that made his holographic edges vibrate anxiously. He supposed the silence was a good thing, they would have called off the search and proclaimed his death in victory. Suder _did_ say afterall, it was going to take a while but surely the ship wasn’t _that_ big.

Suddenly, he heard a noise coming from the conduit and he rushed to open the door.

“Thank goodness, I was beginning to think you got caught and they threw you off the ship into the void of space,” the Doctor let out a huge breath as Lon Suder climbed out. “Were you able to get the captain?”

Soon after he could see another arm reaching out of the conduit and if he had had a heart it would have been bursting. He rushed to the captain and helped her stand in front of him. His full faced grin was quickly replaced by a grimace as he took stock of her condition.

“What did they do to you captain?” the Doctor asked under his breath. He immediately grabbed a tricorder and began scanning.

Captain Janeway tried halfheartedly to shoo him away and whispered, “I’m fine, we have work to do.”

The Doctor bit back, “You most certainly are not fine. I’ve counted multiple hematomas, a laryngeal fracture, a sprained wrist, severe dehydration and nutrient deficiency, not to mention the severe concussion and- ”

“I’m fine enough. This can all be treated after we get the ship back,” the captain replied tersely. The Doctor lowered his tricorder reluctantly and stared at her defiantly.

“Fine, but before you go storming after the Kazon’s at least let me give you a neural sedative and 500mL of electrolytes. It should help clear your mind to start,” he spoke bitterly. She nodded and sat down on a biobed as Suder took to leaning against the wall in silence. The Doctor grabbed his supplies and began preparing the sedative.

“May I inquire as to what you and Mr. Suder plan on doing with just the two of you, one gun against 83 Kazon’s and a Cardassian?”

“We’re going to force them off the ship by disabling it just enough that we can still salvage it afterwards,” she replied.

“How do you plan on doing that?”

“Tellerium. Do you remember about a couple months ago we had to replace ours and-”

“Of course I remember. You, Lieutenant Torres and Commander Tuvok came to my sickbay with multiple injuries. Trying to keep any of you in sickbay alone is trouble enough, but all three at once? I was close to keeping you all sedated,” the Doctor replied sourly.

“We were desperate though. Without that tellerium we were dead in the water and finding a source in the delta quadrant is few and far between. It was only by sheer luck did we find a dealer, well that and Neelix’s extensive bartering network.”

The Doctor injected her with the neural sedative and instantly her throbbing head settled to a dull thump. He moved next to get the electrolytes.

“It may help you to know that I’ve been contacted by Mr. Paris,” the Doctor added. Kathryn’s mouth was agape.

“He’s alive?” she asked surprised.

“Yes. I only received his message about 40 minutes ago. He gave me orders to ‘overload the secondary phaser supply and that ‘he’d take it from there’.”

Kathryn furrowed her brow in concentration.

“If they blow he could send a shockwave across the ship. Certainly a creative means of disabling them but he doesn’t realize there’s a child on board! Chakotay’s child nonetheless!” She jumped off the bed and began pacing with the Doctor following her trying to inject her with the electrolytes. “Besides, to get them to use the secondary phasers would require him to disable the primary ones. He’s planning on attacking the ship? By himself? Or perhaps he was able to contact the Talaxians after all. Either way it’s risky to say the least.”

The Doctor huffed and placed his hands around her shoulder to stop her from moving causing her to flinch, a flash of fear on her face. His annoyance turned to concern as he let her go slowly and placed the hypospray into her neck. She pulled away and cast her eyes down. The Doctor turned away to collect his things, making a note to himself to look into PTSD when all of this was over.

“Well there is _some_ good news. Commander Chakotay isn’t the father,” the Doctor chimed, changing the subject.

The captain’s eyes widened. “Oh.” She sighed heavily rubbing her temples. “I’m not sure that _is_ good news, Doctor.”

He looked at her bewildered.

“Why wouldn’t it be? He’s no longer bonded to Seska by blood. His life is his own now,” he said matter-of-factly.

Kathryn grabbed her arms, her eyes pained. “Yes, but for a brief moment, he had family again within arm’s reach.”

The Doctor frowned. “I didn’t think of it that way.”

Silence filled the space around them as they pondered the ramifications this news would have on the commander until the captain finally cleared her throat.

“We should get going. If Mr. Paris is planning on attacking the ship, we need to have Voyager disabled before hand, otherwise he’s a sitting duck.”

She grabbed her gun and turned to leave, gesturing for Mr. Suder to lead the way back out. As she closed the conduit grate the Doctor kneeled and spoke quietly, “Please be careful. Good luck.”

She gave him a soft grin, nodded, and crawled away. The Doctor watched until he couldn’t see them anymore and heaved. There was nothing left he could do now but wait and see.

Captain Janeway and Lon Suder made their way achingly slow towards engineering. Multiple times they had to change direction to avoid detection and it practically sent them in circles. At one point a guard was within a breaths distance holding a tricorder along the wall as she watched him pass through the slits of a small vent. She held her breath, sure they were about to be discovered, only to see the guard move on.

She turned to Suder puzzled, as they continued crawling.

“Why didn’t that tricorder pick up our life signs?” she whispered.

“An old Maquis trick. I leaked Thoron particles throughout the ship. they neutralize the tricorder sensors,” Suder replied flatly. “The Doctor and I were monitoring them and you so we knew they were going to use them.”

“Not to sound ungrateful, but if you knew where I was why didn’t you free me from the brig?” she asked somewhat seriously.

Suder stopped, his shoulders hunched. When he turned around, Kathryn could see through the dim lighting the desperation contorting his face.

“We tried! I promise we tried! I wanted to save you so badly but I just couldn’t!” Suder croaked, his body shaking.

Kathryn narrowed her eyes as she sat on her legs and put a strong hand on his shoulder.

“Mr. Suder, I appreciate that you did the best you could and I don’t blame you for the circumstances. However, you made a promise to me that you could keep it together. Now we’re almost there, if you’re not up to the task now is the time to turn back,” she said sternly.

Suder leaned up straighter and wiped his nose. He let out a breath and said calmly, his face strikingly blank to what it was seconds before, “No, no, I’m fine. I just needed you to know. It was important that you know.”

Kathryn pushed her concern for his mental health aside and gestured for him to keep moving. Once they reached the vent that would lead to the front doors of engineering, Suder continued on while she stayed behind. She waited a couple minutes to allow him time to get into position. Alone once more, doubts began nagging at her like insect bites. All the what if’s circled her, covering her in a cold sweat. If she couldn’t distract them long enough, if he wasn’t able to reach the control panel, if she was caught before she could even try... This was going to be her one shot. If this didn’t work Tom was going to be shot out of oblivion, Suder would definitely be executed, her crew would die on that planet, and she- well if this attempt didn’t kill her, Culluh certainly would and it wouldn’t be merciful.

No this was going to work. She had to believe it so completely or else any hesitation on her part could be the mistake that leads to everyone’s demise. A familiar pressure, one she’d coped with long ago. It was contradictory in itself- she felt in control and out of control at the same time. It was somehow in her hands and out of them _._ For most this would equate to fear, but for her it only made her more determined. She channeled that pressure into a will that could bend space and time. _This was going to work,_ she thought.

She took a deep breath and climbed out of the Jefferies tube door, carefully looking around for guards. She peered around the corner slowly and found two were guarding the front doors. With two swift motions she shot the Kazon’s dead center and watched as they collapsed to the floor with surprise etched on their faces.

She ran to the control panel and tried to overrun the security clearance, ultimately gave up and started pulling wires until the emergency release clicked. She slowly pried the doors and took a quick glance inside. She counted nine men at various control panels, one was walking towards the door curiously.

She glanced over her shoulders to make sure no one was coming before opening the doors a little wider, sticking the end of the phaser inside and began firing. She only heard one pained cry before phaser fire rained back at her. She hid behind the door, calmly waiting for an opportunity to fire back.

The phaser fire momentarily ceased as they tried to gage what to do next. The captain took this opportunity to stick her phaser through the hole once more and aimed wildly. She only had a split second before they started firing at the door once more.

Then the phaser fire stopped. She listened intently for what could be going on inside, when she heard footsteps coming down the hallway.

She cursed under her breath. They must have called for reinforcements. She leaned down and grabbed one of the dead guards phasers and went towards the sound of the footsteps firing her phasers wildly. Hoping she scared them into hiding, she returned to the door and stuck one phaser in the hole and another aimed down the hall and began firing from both. She shielded her eyes from the bright sparks that came from their weapons. Then one of her phasers ran out of power. She threw it down and promptly grabbed the second guards phaser from his body and began firing once more until another phaser lost power and she had to throw that one aside as well. She kept her remaining weapon firing into engineering when suddenly she felt the metal tip of a phaser pressed against the back of her head. She released the trigger, turned slowly, and saw Culluh standing behind her.

“What exactly do you think you’re doing?” Culluh scolded as he pulled the weapon from her hands angrily. She looked up at him innocently.

“Exactly what I told you I would do,” she said plainly.

Culluh went to smack her, she flinched instinctively, when all of a sudden there was a blast that rocked the ship, forcing them to steady themselves against the wall.

“Now what?” Culluh growled. He grabbed Kathryn’s arm aggressively and dragged her onto the turbolift. She looked back at engineering and could only hope that Suder was given enough time to finish his task and get out.

He escorted her to the bridge seething the entire time in silence until the doors parted and he barked, “What’s happening?”

A Kazon at the tactical station spoke rapidly, “We’re being attacked sir.”

Culluh looked at Kathryn immediately and growled, his grip getting tighter, “By who?”

“It’s the Talaxian’s, Maje,” he responded.

Culluh’s jerked his head back in surprise and asked, “Why would the Talaxian’s be attacking you?”

Thinking quickly, Kathryn replied, “I suppose they changed their mind about our trade agreement.”

Culluh appraised her and was about to respond when they were fired at once more with a force that made them grab the railing. He finally let go of her arm and yelled across the bridge, “Let’s put our newly acquired weapons to task. Concentrate phaser fire on one ship. Let’s send them a message.”

The guard did as he was told and they watched on the view screen as a Talaxian ship was targeted and blown to pieces. The other ships soon backed off to a safer distance and hovered. Culluh’s smirk at seeing the ship destroyed was quickly replaced with a puzzled frown.

“What are they doing? Why aren’t they fleeing?” Culluh said to himself.

A Kazon at the helm suddenly cried, “Maje, our antimatter is becoming unstable! We’re losing power at 3% per minute. At this rate our shields will be down in 20 minutes and if we continue to fire, we’re only going to get 10.”

Kathryn gave a small grin that didn’t go unnoticed by Culluh.

He stormed over to her, grabbed her by her neck and squeezed roughly. She clawed at his fingers angrily, her fear of him diminished as his material for intimidation grew redundant and the end could be seen in the horizon.

“What did you do?” he yelled.

“Maje, the Talaxians are coming back,” said a Kazon fearfully. “Their sensors must have picked up our depleting energy.”

Culluh turned his attention back to Kathryn, his hands shaking with rage.

He hissed, “I’ll deal with you later. Take her to my ready room.”

He threw her forcefully to the ground as she took a massive gasp of air. One of the Kazons guided her into the ready room while Culluh continued to bark orders. When the doors opened, she was surprised to see Seska sitting behind her desk and holding her sleeping child.

“Look what the cat dragged in,” She uttered distastefully.

The doors closed behind her leaving the two of them alone in the quiet place that used to be a small sanctuary for her.

“I’m surprised you’re allowed to leave your quarters. Did your _Maje_ task you with cleaning his office?” Kathryn bit. She looked around and saw most of her items had been smashed to pieces. On the floor in front of her was her favorite tea cup, a big chip down the side. “Well, you’re not much of a house keeper, are you?”

Seska pulled out her gun and aimed it at her. Kathryn nearly laughed. “Take a seat and shut up. You won’t be able to talk for much longer, after that little stunt. Culluh will see to it,” Seska snapped.

The ship rocked again from phaser fire, Kathryn grabbed the railing to remain upright.

“From where I’m standing, he won’t get the chance,” She asserted.

Seska peered down at her child, still sleeping soundly amidst the chaos. She smiled sadly as she stroked his small forehead tenderly. She closed her eyes briefly, collecting herself.

“Culluh has superior weapons. They’ll be dealt with soon enough,” she said uncertainly as the ship was hit once more and she had to grab the side of the desk to keep from smacking into it.

Kathryn pushes down her reflex to argue with her and sat down in front of her calmly clasping her hands tightly.

“Pretty soon, this ship will be depleted of energy and the Kazon’s will be forced to abandon ship. Right now, I’m offering you and your child a choice. You can stay on Voyager and help me get my crew back or you can flee with the Kazons, take your chance with Culluh and never see this ship again.”

Seska was taken aback. “You expect me and my child to be your prisoners for the next 75 years?” she asked dubiously.

“Your son will not be treated as a prisoner. You’ll have your own quarters with him under our protection. Seska please see reason, for your son’s sake. Culluh’s protection comes with a heavy price.” Kathryn nearly pleaded.

Seska looked at her bewildered. This was beyond Starfleet “compassion” this was foolish and it didn’t make sense. She may detest the woman but she wasn’t an idiot. There must be an ulterior motive, everyone has one.

“He’s not Chakotay’s you know,” She stated matter-of-factly, inspecting her.

Kathryn leaned back in the chair and sighed. “I know. And the offer stands.”

“After everything I put you through?” Seska muttered. “You’d welcome me back to the ship I betrayed?”

Kathryn pursed her lips and shook her head. “Don’t mistake my generosity for forgiveness. My offer is for the benefit of the child. Imagine the person he’ll grow up to be watching his mother beaten and humiliated by his father. It doesn’t have to be that way.”

Seska’s eyes began to glitter from the tears forming in her eyes. She quickly wiped them away.

“Culluh already knows this is his son. He won’t just let us fly away. He’ll hunt us down,” she said wrapping her arms tighter around the baby.

Kathryn leaned forward and clasped her hands. 

“Let him try.”

Suddenly the side of the ready room burst from the windows. Kathryn was thrown against her bookshelf and collapsed on the floor gasping for air and surrounded by debris. When she finally opened her eyes the first thing she saw was Seska’s unmoving body curled up into a ball, a piece of metal sticking out of her back. She pushed the debris off herself, wincing from the pain of a cracked rib and rushed to her side. She checked for a pulse and found nothing. She then looked for the baby and found him curled tightly inside her arms, awake and unharmed. Kathryn sighed relief and picked him up. Looking down at the person who had caused so much strife, she wasn’t sure how to feel. With the child in her arms she mostly just felt sad and decided to close Seska’s eyes gently one last time.

Then the door of the ready room opened and standing in the door was a very upset Culluh. Kathryn attempted to climb over the debris and put distance between them, expecting him to lash at her. Culluh however, didn’t bother with her. His eyes narrowed down to Seska’s motionless body and collapsed beside her, his hands shaking from grief.

When he finally looked up at Kathryn, she felt that fear again, of a wild animal approaching. She looked for anything to defend herself and found Seska’s gun buried beneath some books on the floor. Culluh followed her eyes and lunged at it the same time as she did. She was closer though and beat him to it by a fraction of a second and quickly turned the gun on him.

With one arm holding his child and the other pointing a weapon at him, Culluh could do nothing but stand there defeated.

“What are you waiting for?” he fumed.

The captain considered him, squeezing the gun tight. It felt hot in her hands, ready to burst, eager to hit a target. It was filled with a rage that could power a galaxy. And then the child grabbed her face playfully and a delicate flow of love settled over her and she lowered the weapon slightly, reluctantly handing the child over to Culluh.

“I’m not going to take the only parent he has left,” she said quietly. Culluh grabbed his child eagerly and held him tight to his chest.

“I’ve already given the order to abandon ship,” Culluh stated. “What’s left of it is yours.”

Captain Janeway came closer, the gun only an inch from his chest and said with such fire it made him take a step back, “If I ever see you or any of your Kazon faction again, I will destroy them immediately without remorse. I will not hesitate to make this child an orphan. Do I make myself clear?”

“Yes,” he seethed.

“Yes, _what_?” she snapped.

Culluh gritted his teeth, anger coursing through his veins.

“Yes, _Captain_.”

Captain Kathryn Janeway smiled victoriously.

“Now get off my ship.” She gestured with the gun to the door. Culluh gave her one last angry glance and stormed out. Kathryn immediately ran to the bridge and only stopped briefly when something caught her eye. Lying crumpled in a heap on the floor, tossed lazily aside against one of the communication stations was her jacket. She picked it up and put it on, fitting her like armor. She immediately attempted to hail the Talaxians.

“Talaxian vessels, this is Captain Kathryn Janeway. I’m assuming you’re here to help my officer Tom Paris return our ship from the hands of the Kazons. As you will see, they are abandoning ship and I have gained control once more. Please acknowledge,” she proclaimed.

The firing ceased immediately and she let out a sigh of relief. One of the vessels returned her hail and appeared on the view screen.

“Captain, We apologize, we didn’t realize you were still on board,” he said congenially.

“No apologies necessary. Your attack is what pushed them into fleeing. I owe you one.”

The captain ran to the next station over and began looking over the condition of her ship. Shields were down to 2% and with the hole in her ready room she couldn’t risk a breach.

She hit the comm badge that was still pinned to her jacket and her voice rang across the ship.

“Mr. Suder, if you’re still with us, I could really use some help restoring power.” She said watching the flow drop slowly from 2 to 1.7%. She didn’t have time to get to engineering and hope the tellerium was nearby. All she could do was wait. Shields dropped from 1.7% to 1.2%. Seconds passed that felt like hours.

She contacted the Talaxian ship again.

“Do you have transporter capabilities?” she asked worriedly.

The Talaxian captain responded, “I’m sorry captain, we don’t.”

Kathryn looked down at the monitor again and watched the power drain from 1.2% to 0.6%. She was too late. Even if the Talaxians docked immediately, she’d never make it to them in time. She threw her head back, clutching the side of the monitor with shaking hands. With nothing left for her to do, she took her seat in command, crossed her legs, and resigned to her fate.

“In about a minute, Voyager, and myself, will succumb to the vacuum of space. I need to ask for your help once more. My crew is stranded on planet called Hanon IV, if you’re willing, please bring them back to Voyager, they’ll know how to make the repairs.”

The Talaxian captain nodded sadly at her. She nodded back and ended the transmission. Looking across her bridge she suddenly felt tears in her eyes. She was so close to making it out of this alive. Close, however, was not enough. Her gaze settled on her first officers chair and for the first time felt a loss that went beyond the life that was but a loss at the life that could have been. And she grieved for the seconds that remained to her and closed her eyes at the pain.

Suddenly the lights flickered across the bridge. Kathryn’s eyes snapped open and immediately turned to the monitor. Power was now at 1.3% and rising. She laughed despite herself, the tears now flowing with relief.

She voiced over the ship, “Mr. Suder your timing is impeccable.”

She hailed the Talaxians again. “Strike that captain, we’re on the verge of restoring power and we’ll be up and running in no time. Now, where is my officer?”

“Mr. Paris is waiting in a nearby nebula. We were supposed to bring the ship to him.”

“Is he within hailing range?”

She looked over the comm’s and attempted to locate the shuttlecraft and came up empty.

“Would you mind telling him to return to Voyager? Captain’s orders,” she grinned.

The Talaxian agreed and she watched as his ship turned and flew off.

With power slowly returning, she made her way to engineering to begin repairs. The front doors were open just enough that she could squeeze inside, stepping over the guards she shot earlier. What awaited her made her gasp in horror. Littered across the room were the nine Kazon’s she fired at earlier, blood seeping across the floor. A few she noted had been shot, presumably by her but the others had been sliced to pieces. With her mouth open in shock, she made her way to a console and noted there was just enough power for a site to site transport. She left the room quickly and headed for transporter controls. She notified the Doctor and filled the morgue, with a few having to be placed in sickbay due to the volume.

She returned to engineering, and began making repairs, choosing to ignore the blood she had to wipe off the screens.

20 minutes later she was greeted with one of the most beautiful sounds she’d heard in days.

“Permission to come aboard Captain?” asked Tom Paris, a playful lilt in his tone.

Kathryn smiled.

“Permission granted, lieutenant.”

Soon after she met him and the Talaxians in the cargo bay. Tom grinned from ear to ear, nearly reaching out to hug her, until he came up close and took in her injuries.

“You look like hell,” he stated.

“Nice to see you too Mr. Paris,” she replied dryly.

“I just mean, is the Doctor still functioning? Maybe he should take a look at you,” he said worriedly, staring at the cut on her head. She became thankful that her jacket covered most of the other injuries.

“I’m fine,” she brushed him off. Tom felt the need to protest but knew it would be like trying to push a brick wall with a feather.

The Talaxian captain stepped forward and shook her hand and said smiling, “We thought we lost you there for a second Captain Janeway.”

“This ship has a nasty habit of waiting for the last second, but she always comes through in the end. Now about my crew…”

“We’ll head out now,” the Talaxian captain said graciously, as he climbed back into his shuttle. The captain and Tom watched as he left the ship and out to rescue her crew. She turned to him.

“Now Mr. Paris, we have a great deal of repairs. The sooner we get this ship moving the better. I’ll finish up in engineering if you take the damaged relays and circuits around the ship.”

“Aye, aye, Captain,” he replied slyly, he went to leave and instead turned to face her. “Permission to hug the Captain?”

Kathryn grinned and pulled him into a light hug. He leaned down and hugged her back tightly, pulling her off the floor briefly to stand to his full height before placing her back on the ground. It took much of her will power to ignore the pain now radiating from her ribs and to give Tom a smile.

“It’s good to have you back,” he grinned.

“You too,” she replied, and added playfully, “If you ever pick me up again I’ll have to throw you in the brig.”

He laughed as he backed out of the room, “My apologies captain, I’m just happy to be back.”

Kathryn shook her head grinning as she watched him leave. Relief washed over her as she eagerly awaited the arrival of the rest of her crew. She started her way back to engineering, her mind wandering to the tasks that needed done, and the state her crew might be in. With her mind preoccupied, she never noticed the steps that followed behind her until it was too late, and she felt something hard hit the back of her head and she collapsed to the floor, unconscious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was my favorite chapter to write so far. I highly recommend giving Kathryn guns for the gun show. ;)


	7. Belayah Forest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chakotay and the crew return to Voyager.

Chakotay pulled at the bottom of his sleeve, straightening out his dust ridden jacket in the dim lighting of the Talaxian Cargo bay he sat in. The dark circles under his eyes were now aglow with the renewed energy of anticipation as they made their return to Voyager.

Not that long ago, he was inspecting the medicine given to Ensign Wildman’s baby by the native tribe’s leader while the rest of his crew were out learning other survival skills. Contact had been difficult with no line of communication and they had to resort to crude hand gestures and grunting. In the end though, with the threat of a rupturing volcano, his quick action to save one of the natives ended up being the gesture they needed to trust them. For the first time, he had hope that they could sustain themselves on the planet for a considerable amount of time and while he was extremely grateful, the idea that it could take that long or be indefinite cast a cold shadow on the future.

And just as he was succumbing to their new livelihood, three ships appeared in the sky and now, here he was, wiping the sweat and dust off his face on his way back to his ship. His heart was racing and his legs were jittery, like he just stepped off a roller coaster and back on solid ground. The Talaxian’s couldn’t speak too much about what happened, but Kathryn was alive and the ship was still floating out there, damaged, but otherwise salvageable. He’ll admit, it wasn’t exactly the rescue he had envisioned. He’d hoped she’d bring Voyager to them whole, warm and inviting. Well not quite. All he wanted was to see her, whole and alive with that warm mischievous smile he’d come to associate with the feeling of standing next to a fire after a walk in the rain. 

B’ellana sat next to him, just as dusty and sweaty, along with about a third of the other crew and observed him fussing with the dirt along the lining of his collar.

“You can beat the dust off all you want, you won’t be able to do anything about the smell,” she smirked.

Chakotay stopped and grinned back at her.

“Is it that bad?” he asked.

“Well no worse than the rest of us. The poor captain is going to have quite an assault to the senses when she sees us,” she joked. “I wouldn’t be surprised if she sprayed us off with the hose before allowing us inside on the good furniture.”

“From what the Talaxian’s said, Voyager isn’t exactly looking her best either. A little dirt will just add to the overall been-through-hell aesthetic.”

B’ellana’s laughter calmed him. He leaned back against the wall and sighed wearily.

“We’re going to have a lot more to do before we can even think about showers,” Chakotay acknowledged.

“You know what this reminds me of? Our first ever Maquis mission together,”

“That was a disaster too,” he reminisced.

“Yeah, but no, that’s not the part I mean. I’m talking about after, when we were rescued. It had been, what, four days since we’d crashed on that planet, fighting for our lives, and then all of a sudden it was over, like it never happened. And we had to go back to business as usual, me repairing the ship and you commanding it. Everything felt rushed and I think I just got numb to it all. I mean, geez Chakotay we could’ve died on that planet, and I feel nothing right now. Not even relief. It’s just another day at the office,” B’ellana confessed. “I feel like there’s something wrong with me.”

“What we’ve been through is an extraordinary amount of trauma. Everyone is going to handle it differently. You can’t beat yourself up for taking your own path to healing. Besides, we only stepped off that planet moments ago, give yourself time to process. You’ll be just as messed up as the rest of us soon enough,” Chakotay gave her a reassuring grin and squeezed her shoulder lightly when the Talaxian captain stepped up to him.

“Commander, we’re approaching Voyager. I thought you might want to be the one to say hello,” he said kindly.

Chakotay stood and followed him to their bridge. He thanked the captain before hailing his ship now seen on their small view screen. For the most part Voyager looked okay. A few scorch marks along the hull. The only massive damage he could see was the hole right around the area of the captain’s ready room and his stomach twisted.

“This is Commander Chakotay to Voyager, permission to board?” he asked. He waited nervously, expecting to hear her voice for the first time. His face felt suddenly warm. After a couple of seconds with no response though, he frowned.

“Commander Chakotay to Voyager. Is anyone home?” he asked again, hoping the small joke would lighten the tension he was feeling. More seconds went by with nothing.

He was beginning to think the worse when there was a hailing chime and he breathed relief.

“Paris to Chakotay, man is it good to hear your voice. You have clearance to dock. See you soon.”

As happy as he was to hear Tom alive, it bothered him that the captain didn’t answer. The Talaxian captain assured him that when he left she was alive and as well as can be. Tom didn’t seem distressed though, maybe he was reading too much into it. He went back to waiting anxiously for proof that she was okay and began attempting to flatten his collar that bent stiffly at an odd angle.

Soon enough, he and the other officers took a shuttle and landed in the cargo bay of Voyager. As he stepped onto the tarmac, Tom Paris stood with a box in hand and a wide grin.

“You guys are a sight for sore eyes,” he said happily as he approached, adding with a sour face, “And sore noses.”

“Yeah, well, you survive on a desert planet with active volcanos, and we’ll see how rosy you smell,” B’ellana joked sternly, crossing her arms in annoyance. 

“Here,” Tom said, handing over the box. “I just found all the comm badges. I’m surprised they didn’t raid the ship on their way out. Guess the captain didn’t leave them much time to pick up souvenirs.”

Chakotay and the group each took a glittering gold badge and pinned it to their frayed and dirty jackets.

“They really complete the look, don’t they?” Tom admired.

Chakotay grinned, exasperated, and said calmly, “Where’s the captain?”

“Last I saw her, was… here, actually about an hour ago. She was going to start repairs in engineering. She’s probably there now, tied up in some project.”

“How bad is it?” B’ellana asked pensively.

“Our shields are holding steady at 46% and our total energy output is holding at 33%. There’s a hull breach in the captains ready room, but secondary shield are holding.”

Chakotay ordered, “First things first. Harry will you start teleporting crew members into the cargo bay. We need to regroup.”

Harry nodded and took off for the teleporter controls.

Chakotay turned to Tuvok, concern furrowing his brow.

“Does it seem odd to you that the captain didn’t greet us?” he asked quietly.

“It does seem unlike her. Captain Janeway has a more hands on approach to her leadership.”

Chakotay said to the air, “Computer, locate Captain Janeway.”

“Unable to comply. Internal sensor relays have been damaged.” It chimed back. His concern was starting to bubble, and just as he was about to start searching for her, a few of the crew began appearing in the cargo bay 10 at a time.

He gave Tuvok a pained look and before he could give the order, Tuvok said, “I will search for the captain and notify you the moment I find her.” Chakotay nodded gratefully and watched him leave.

He waited for the entire crew to arrive, handing them badges as he greeted them. They talked amongst themselves until Harry walked in and Chakotay cleared his throat loudly, “Alright, listen up.” The crew went silent. “I know we’ve been through a lot. You’re starved, exhausted, and injured and now I have to ask that you pull through for me once more. Voyager is barely holding it together. We’re floating in space, unable to go to warp and unable to protect ourselves. Our priority is the engines. Lieutenant Torres will lead all engineering personnel through repairs. The rest of you can eat, and then I want you handing food and water to the engineering crew. They’re going to be doing a lot of heavy lifting until we are at warp and they need all the support we can give them. If you feel you need to go to sickbay first please do so, but I’m not going to inspect you for injuries, I trust you know your own limits.”

Chakotay turned to Harry, “I need you to have a course ready. Look for uninhabited M class planets so we can gather food and make our more intricate repairs. We cannot take the chance of running into any hostiles. Not yet anyways.” Harry nodded. Chakotay spoke to the group again, “I’d like to add how extremely proud I am of all of you. You each experienced extreme hardship and not only survived it but came out stronger. In the last three days, I witnessed our two crews come together like never before, propping each other up and reaching out for support. What we built down there together was a community and I hope going forward you remember the person who shared a meal with you, helped you up, and kept you warm in the night. This alone gives me hope that we’ll find our way home one day, and maybe build a little home with each other until then.”

He stood up straight and proud, his hands behind his back in proper Starfleet formation and said “Alright, you have your orders. Dismissed.”

The crew, now bolstered with determination began leaving in small groups With Neelix leading the way, except for the large engineering crew that hung back led by B’ellana.

Chakotay pulled Tom aside before he could leave and asked, “I need you to get internal sensor relays functioning. I know they’re not a priority but-”

“It’s not a problem. I’ll get right on it, but Commander, she’s probably fine. The Kazon’s abandoned ship, I doubt they’d leave one behind for a suicide mission. They’re not the sacrificing type.”

“All the same. I’d like to make sure for myself.”

Tom nodded, giving him a quick pat on the arm, and left. Chakotay looked on as B’ellana bellowed orders. As soon as he felt he wasn’t needed he left to help Tuvok search for the captain.

He tapped his comm badge as he walked briskly down the hallway, “Chakotay to Tuvok.”

“Tuvok here.”

“The crew has their assignments and repairs are underway. How is the search going?”

“Engineering and sick bay are clear. I am on the bridge now.”

“Any sign of the Kazon’s?”

“I have no evidence to support a Kazon has remained aboard.”

“All the same, we should be at yellow alert.”

“Agreed. I will dispatch security teams for a deck by deck search.”

“It just doesn’t make sense. Why would she disappear?”

“I doubt that is the case. The most likely scenario is that Captain Janeway has succumbed to her injuries and has remained unresponsive. The ready room...” Tuvok paused for a moment, making Chakotay stop in his track, his breathing stilled. 

“the Captain is not here. However, I think you should join me.”

Chakotay puzzled over why as he made his way up. As he approached the doorway, Tuvok was standing just inside, his arms behind his back statuesque. He climbed his way over the debris from the hull where a medium sized hole led directly to the vacuum of space, their only protection being the shields that clung to the ship like static.

“We’re going to have to find a dry dock to make that kind of repair,” he noted sadly. “Coming across those in this region… It could take weeks. But that’s not what you wanted to show me, was it?”

Tuvok stepped aside. It took him a second to realize what he was showing him with all the debris on the ground until he saw a hand and then the rest of Seska’s body revealed itself to him. He approached her slowly, his hand massaging his face tensely. With so many conflicting emotions fighting for dominance, he was beginning to understand what B’ellana meant by going numb. It was too much to process at once.

“Where’s the child?” he finally asked quietly, his gaze not leaving her still face.

“I have yet to locate their body. We cannot rule out the possibility that Culluh took your child with him,” Tuvok responded. “If that is the case, I can assure you Captain Janeway will make it a priority to find them.”

Chakotay nodded absently.

“She can’t stay here,” he said plainly, as he started lifting the pieces of metal off her crippled form.

“Commander, I believe we have enough energy for a site to site transport. There’s no reason for you to labor yourself.”

Her body now free of the debris, he heaved her limp frame into his arms and turned to Tuvok.

“I need to do this,” he asserted.

Tuvok went to argue but changed his mind at the look of obstinacy on Chakotays face and instead cleared the path to the door. Chakotay nodded his thanks and left, carrying his greatest failure heavy and broken in his arms, with Tuvok right beside him, helping him along the way.

Sickbay held only Ensign Wildman and her baby, who was smiling at the Doctor as he made silly faces and scanned her with his tricorder. When the doors whooshed open the Doctor did a double take at the pair of them before rushing to their side and began scanning Seska. 

“That’s not necessary Doctor, she has already expired,” Tuvok assured.

The Doctor lowered his tricorder wearily and looked at Chakotay. For once he chose to say nothing and gestured at the nearest bed to place her body and went back to Ensign Wildman who was watching them from afar.

Chakotay laid her down carefully, attempting as he did so to leave with her the demons he grew within himself, ones that she planted and he nourished. That anger and self-loathing was leeching off his soul, turning him sour and cold- someone he didn’t want to be. She was a chapter in his story, not the book. It was time to turn the page.

The Doctor came to stand next to them a moment later, a soft expression on his face as he said, “Can I speak to you privately Commander?”

Chakotay took one last glance at Seska before nodding and following him to his office solemnly.

“I know you’re going through a lot right now, but I think it necessary to tell you sooner rather than later. Seska had me do a check up on the child while she was here. Don’t worry the child is fine,” he quickly added as worry spread on Chakotay’s face, “However, and I’m sorry I don’t know an easier way of saying this, but the child isn’t yours.”

Chakotay stepped back and faced away from him, only to find himself staring at Ensign Wildman, rocking her baby soothingly a smile on her face. It was almost laughable if he hadn’t gone numb. Of course he wasn’t a father, and right now, being face to face with Ensign Wildman’s small happy family- no it was definitely laughable. The timing was just too perfect, the universe had a horrible sense of humor.

The Doctor observed him patiently, wondering if he should provide counseling, though admittedly he couldn’t quite figure out how he felt about the news and decided to change the subject.

“And I know you’re busy, but I was hoping you could persuade the captain into coming to sickbay. She has extensive unchecked injuries and you know how she is, she won’t be treated until the crew is first, but in this instance, I must insist she get priority.”

“We can’t find her,” He said, finally facing him, his jaw tense, arms crossed.

“What do you mean you can’t find her?”

“I mean our internal sensors are down and no one has seen her.”

“She did have a concussion, it’s possible she overexerted herself and passed out,” the Doctor said concerned. “What about Mr. Suder?”

“What about him? His quarters blew, we assumed he died.”

“Mr. Suder was integral in the captain reclaiming Voyager. I haven’t seen him since they went into the lions den, so to speak.”

Suddenly Chakotays comm badge chimed.

“Paris to Chakotay,”

“What is it Tom?”

“Internal sensors are up. The captain is in Holodeck two.”

Chakotay took a big sigh of relief. 

“Thank you, Tom, Chakotay out.”

Chakotay rushed out the door, Tuvok right behind him.

“Tom got the internal sensors up. She’s in holodeck two,” he said between breaths.

“Why would the captain be in the holodeck? It’s certainly not a priority with repairs.” Tuvok stated, his pace rhythmically steady beside him.

“I don’t know. It doesn’t make any sense,” he replied worriedly speeding down the hall. “None of this does.”

Now at the door to the holodeck, Tuvok quickly glanced at the controls. 

“There is a simulation running,” he said.

“Which one?”

Tuvok answered by opening the doors.

Chakotay was hit first with the fading light of a setting sun. As his eyes adjusted and he walked inside, he found himself within a luscious golden forest standing on a thin dirt path, a slight breeze in the air tickled beneath his chin and sent a shiver down his spine.

“What is this place?” he asked bewildered. 

“The simulation was called Belayah forest,” Tuvok commented.

Chakotay looked around, surrounded by tall trees of the brightest colors of oranges, reds, and yellows. The underbrush a pleasant lavender purple with shades of turquoise and sprinkled with glittering leaves, gave him the sensation of being warm and cold at the same time.

“turn it off,” he ordered.

“Computer, deactivate Holodeck two simulation, security override Tuvok 6 4 3 8 4 1,” Tuvok said.

The computer chimed back, “Unable to comply. Security clearance not recognized.”

Chakotay stepped forward and yelled, “Kathryn!”

The two listened intently for any response and received nothing but a pleasant wisp as the wind hit the trees. They continued along the trail, calling for her and moving the brush aside.

Suddenly Tuvok ran forward and picked something off the ground. Chakotay joined him, his heart pounding when he saw Tuvok held a small Starfleet jacket, a speck of blood dotted the neck.

Tuvok reached for his phaser now and sped forward along the trail with Chakotay right behind him, urgency pounded with every step.

Several yards later and they made it to a clearing. In front of them sat a wide dark pond nestled at the base of a large glistening rock formation that had a gentle flow of water streaming down the sides and only making the lightest of pattering sounds as it hit the water below. The golden rays of the falling sun hit the ripples of the water, sending light dancing around them. Large orange fish glided gracefully around each other below the surface, unbothered by the newcomers.

It took Chakotay a second to shake off the hold the beauty of it all had on him and look around. As he stepped into the clearing and turned, his stomach dropped instantly. Sitting at the base of a large tree facing the pond, its red leaves swaying in the breeze, was Captain Janeway, being held by Lon Suder a knife pressed firmly against her throat. There was so much to take in, her injuries, the void of his face, and yet the only thing he could look at was the terror in her eyes pleading for help. Filled with fear and anger he went to step forward but was stopped by Tuvok’s sturdy hand.

“Mr. Suder, you must let the captain go. Remember your teachings, the mantra we created to help you center yourself,” Tuvok stated calmly.

Suder stared absently at the water trickling into the pond, seemingly unaware of their presence.

“You must let the captain go,” Tuvok repeated. “This isn’t who you are anymore.”

At that, Suder faced him, his eyes cold and spoke bitterly, Isn’t it though?”

He turned back to the pond, his eyes softened. “Do you know where we are?” Tuvok shook his head. “Belayah Forest is sacred ground on my planet. It’s supposed to be mystical. Monks from the whole planetary system would come here to find meaning and ascend into a higher state of consciousness. I used to come here a lot, when I just started to realize how different I was. I thought, since it helped everyone else feel more deeply, maybe it would help me feel at all. I would spend hours here for the better part of my adolescence and got nothing but resentment.”

Suddenly his eyes glistened with tears as he turned back to Tuvok, his hand holding the knife now shaking dangerously. “I tried Tuvok!” he pleaded. “But it was chaos! I was surrounded by phaser fire, Kazon’s everywhere! I was almost at the panel when one of the Kazon’s came after me with a knife. It..it wasn’t…I never meant to…I wasn’t going to kill anyone but when I saw the knife-”

Then he shuttered and his eyes went cold once more. “He needed protection and I provided it. Simple as that.” His once shaking hand now held firm, his grip tightened around the captains waist, making her let out a small gasp.

“We have the ship now, Why attack the captain at all?” Tuvok questioned sternly.

Suder leaned his head against hers, making her close her eyes briefly. “I knew she was going to put me back in my hole. Seemed poetic she would be my last. After all, she was the one who set me free.”

Tuvok asked, kneeling closer, “How?”

Suder took a deep breath, arching his neck back, his eyes filling with tears again. “He was hurting her and I stopped it! I saved her!”

“And you would choose to end her life now, negating your actions before?” Tuvok reasoned.

Suder’s voice quivered, “No. I.. I don’t want to-” his voice steadied angrily, “Yes you do! Admit it, you want to feel her blood warm your hands and her body to go cold. You want revenge for letting me out! I know that rage, I AM that rage!” His body shook again, the knife vibrated at the tug and pull of his mind.

“Mr. Suder, I’ve seen your determination, I know who you are outside the parameters you’ve defined yourself as. You want to be better, you are better and I am proud of the progress you made. It’s not too late. You have the will power to let her go. You can fight this.”

Suder’s face flashed from anger to desperation, flipping over and over, his body tensing with the madness as the war raged on inside him. Until suddenly he was calm. He looked Tuvok in the eyes as he slowly lowered the knife away from her throat.

Chakotay rushed to her side, pulling her away from Suder and up against his body in a tight embrace. She clung to his jacket as she stood unsteadily, her breathing ragged.

“Thank you Tuvok. I get it now, I can see all the colors.” His gaze rested on the shimmering black rocks, the last ray of sun pouring over them in a golden blanket. “This place really is beautiful,” Suder said distantly, and before Tuvok could reach him, he slit his own throat in one quick slash, ending his life.

Kathryn buried her head into Chakotay’s chest, unable to look at the ugliness knowing only seconds ago it could have been her own fate. Tuvok remained kneeling, staring at what remained of his pupil.

None of them knew what to say, or if anything could be said. They remained frozen in place as the sun disappeared, enveloping them in shadows, with the soft water puttered behind them the only sound.

It wasn’t until Kathryn shivered beside him that Chakotay was brought out of his reverie.

“We need to get you to sick bay,” he stated delicately, expecting a protest.

She simply nodded though and went to walk out when he held her in place by her hand gently. “We should transport you.”

“I’m fine to walk,” she said briskly, pulling her hand out of his and holding her arms tightly around herself. 

“But- ”

“I said I’ll walk,” She replied curtly and started walking away her neck stiff, her stride purposeful. A few steps in though, and she had to steady herself against a tree. Chakotay ran up next to her and went to take her arm when she yanked away from him.

He stood back, his hands in the air in surrender and his heart broken. In the soft pink dusk, the air still and cold around them, her gaze was stern but the fire that normally burned there was flickering. She struggled, he knew only partly from her injuries, and it took every fiber of his being to stay where he was. He couldn’t push her, she had to come to him.

He begged softly, “Please let me help you. Be brave one more time and trust me.”

She looked up at him, her eyes reflecting a nightmare he could only imagine. With a surrendering sigh, she closed her heavy eyes tight, a single tear slid quietly down her cheek as she extended a shaky hand to him. He wrapped his arm around her instantly as she collapsed against him, and allowed him to hold her. Without thinking he scooped her up in his arms delicately. She felt strong and fragile, as always, the duplicity she wore well. She placed her arms around his neck lightly and rested her head on his shoulder and the pair left in silence.


	8. Rely on Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kathryn has some late night discussions about the repercussions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to thank everyone who left such wonderful comments and kudos. Your kind words were very encouraging :)
> 
> So here's the last chapter and its alllll comfort, and the longest chapter I've ever written in my life. (And also the chapter I wished the most had been proofread, but hey, you work with what you got.)
> 
> Thank you again, I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as i enjoyed writing it.

Captain Janeway placed the PADD down on her desk and leaned back in her chair, rubbing her eyes. Pouring over the repair reports for the week, late into the day in her newly refurbished ready room, she found herself reading the same sentence over and over again. It took them nearly two months to get Voyager back to normal, well, relatively normal despite the scrap metal they were using to duct tape over the hole in her lounge area. Considering the circumstances that happened at the dry dock, they were lucky to even get that.

The chime of the door broke her train of thought.

“Come in,” she said, relieved for an excuse to stop her attempt at reading.

Commander Tuvok walked in, hands behind his back, as always in proper Starfleet formation.

“You wished to speak with me, Captain?” He said evenly.

Kathryn leaned forward, checking her watch.

“It’s nearly 2300 hours. Shouldn’t you be sleeping?” she asked casually.

“I could say the same for you, Captain,” Tuvok replied.

“Touché,” she grinned. “That being said, I am rather tired. I think our conversation should wait until morning. Oh, actually it will have to wait until the afternoon, I promised B’Elanna I would look over the improvements she made on the internal sensor relays.”

“Actually, Captain, you will find that I have already looked them over. Her improvements are sound.”

“I see,” she said disappointed. “Let me guess, you’ve also finished logging repairs and looking in to Neelix’s suggestions for extending our fresh fruit supply?”

“You are correct.”

“Maybe we should talk now then,” she resigned, gesturing to the chair opposite her desk.

Tuvok cocked an eye in curiosity and sat.

“I need you to stop treating me like I’m broken,” she said steadily.

“I don’t know what you mean,” Tuvok said nonplussed.

“Let me clarify. You don’t need to inspect the ship, finish my paperwork, or take on extra duty shifts. Lastly, your handling of the Vaskan’s, while admirable, was borderline hovering. I felt like my every decision was being held under a microscope.”

“I assure you Captain that was not my intention.”

“If you think I can’t command this ship, then I need you to come out and say it.” Kathryn crossed her arms, preparing herself for an answer she wouldn’t like. 

“On the contrary. I think you’ve handled the last two months with incredible restraint and grace. I apologize that my actions have led you to believe I think otherwise. I was merely attempting to lessen your burdens so that you may recover with as little stress as possible.”

Kathryn breathed a sigh of relief. “And the hovering? The Vaskan’s were starting to wonder if we were mated,” she smirked.

“An error on my part.” Tuvok assured.

“But why? Tuvok, we’ve been in dangerous situations before, you’ve never responded like this.”

“Had we been in the Alpha quadrant, an incident such as the one you were in would have mandated at least a month of recovery and a two week grace period with regular counseling. Starfleet has this policy to prevent the onset of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as the lives of those they command depend on them having a sound and unbiased mind. We do not even have a ship counselor let alone the ability to take you off the very ship you were held captive on.”

“So, you _are_ questioning my abilities,” Kathryn said quietly into her lap.

“Again, given the circumstances, I think you’ve handled the last two months of repairs and diplomacy with the Vaskans at your standard level of competency, which is to say, quite capable. My ‘hovering’ so to speak, was not a personal appraisal upon your capacity to lead, I would argue any Captain would require assistance after such an event.”

“I appreciate your diligence but you have to understand. I rely on your judgement. If I start to believe that you don’t trust me than I start to doubt myself and I can’t have that in my position.”

“I hold your opinion with high regard as well. Again, it was not my intention.”

Kathryn leaned back, sighing. “I know.”

“I will resume normal duty assignments starting tomorrow morning. I will send you a list of items I intended to finish this week.”

Kathryn grinned at him. “Tell you what, give me one more week without the repair logs and we’ll call the matter settled.”

Tuvok nodded with the faintest hint of a smile. “Agreed.”

Kathryn came around the desk and leaned against it casually.

“How are you doing my friend?” She said gently.

Tuvok, confused by the sudden change of topic, replied “I am healthy, if slightly tired from the days work.”

Kathryn, who sometimes forgot the directness that is required when talking with Vulcans, specified, “We haven’t had the chance to discuss Mr. Suder. I know he was a kind of project of yours.”

“A failed experiment. One that put your life in jeopardy.”

“On the contrary, I think Mr. Suder made substantial improvement.”

“Captain, he held a knife to your throat and spoke with two minds. My attempted rehabilitation did little more than split his personality.”

“What split him was the stress of battle. If anyone is to blame for Suder’s frame of mind, it’s me. It was unfair of me to ask so much of him when I knew he was teetering. In the end though, you brought him back together. That’s the Suder I’m choosing to remember. Officially, Lon Suder died at the hands of the Kazon.”

“You did not put his final actions in the log?”

“The Suder that you helped create died the moment he entered engineering. As far as I’m concerned that’s all Starfleet needs to know. Who knows, they might utilize Suder’s story to help rehabilitate other serious offenders.”

“I’ve already added the incident to my official logs. There will be questions as to why yours was omitted.”

“And I’ll tell them what I told you.”

Tuvok peered up her now his brow furrowed, formulating his words carefully, “Captain, may I ask, was anything else omitted from the log that I should be aware of?”

Kathryn’s heart beat faster as she frowned and crossed her arms. “No. What makes you ask that?”

“My understanding of the Kazons made me question their intentions of having you on board. At first, I believed they sought revenge for withholding our advanced technology, which appeared true at first, based on your official account.”

“You’ve read it already? I only finished my official log this morning.”

“It was short considering the length of time spent as their prisoner.”

“Well three of those days were spent in isolation. There’s not a whole lot to say about staring at a blank wall for hours on end.”

“I suppose. However, your log states they moved you to Chakotay’s quarters without explanation, and that is where Suder found you.”

“No doubt backed by the Doctors account as well.” Kathryn’s frown deepened. She didn’t like the trajectory this was going.

“Yes. However, if I may probe further, nowhere in your log do you mention how you sustained some of your injuries. The bruises on your wrists for instance.”

Kathryn paled. “Starfleet doesn’t require explicit details of how every injury that occurred.”

“You don’t mention it at all.”

“My injuries are logged by the Doctor. I fail to see a reason to include it in mine. Anyways, by the time we get home, this will be nothing more than museum material. Forgive me if I don’t want my every minute detail of my torture broadcasted,” she said sharply.

Tuvok, sensing he touched upon something she didn’t or wouldn’t acknowledge, stood up and walked near the door to leave, intending to give her space. He said in a tone he hoped would sooth her, “Understood. I merely bring this up because, as mentioned before, we do not have a ship counselor and it has been proven that talking through such trauma is crucial to a healthy state of mind. I see now, you are uncomfortable talking to me about it.”

Kathryn joined him near the door, leaning against her shelf, grimacing. “Oh Tuvok. It’s not that.”

“It is okay Captain. I don’t take it personally. I only hope that you find someone to talk to, in time. If you change your mind, I will of course be there for you if you need me.”

“Are you going to see me unfit for duty if I don’t?” she said only half joking.

“Only if I believe it to start interfering with your duty, which with my understanding of you in our years of friendship, that day will not come.”

Kathryn placed her hands on his shoulders and peered at him warmly. “I appreciate the sentiment and your loyalty. I know the circumstances are less than ideal, but if I were to be stranded in an unknown quadrant, I’m glad it’s with you. I don’t know what I would do without you.”

“Likewise, Captain,” Tuvok agreed.

“It’s getting late. We should at least pretend to sleep.” Kathryn opened the door and left. Tuvok followed her out, taking his position beside her as he always did, and would continue to do until the end.

Kathryn arrived at her quarters, exhausted. In the time since the Kazon’s siege, her room had undergone a drastic change. She altered the standard Starfleet gray walls to a lively sky blue, moved her bed against the side wall so that she may look at the stars laying on her side and changed the bedspread to a pleasant turqoise. And still, she finds herself sleeping on the couch every night.

In the dim glow of her quarters she replicated a cup of coffee, grabbed her throw blanket and sat on the couch, staring at the stars outside. Even without the coffee, she knew it would be another couple of hours before she would fall asleep. She thought of asking the Doctor for a sleep aid after the first week of staring out the window well into the morning, but didn’t want him asking questions. He’d already been harassing her about her mental health and with Tuvok’s attention, as kind as the gesture may be, she was tired of the hand holding. She wanted nothing more than to feel like her normal self again and their constant attention was doing nothing more than reminding her of what she had suffered. Besides, she didn’t need reminding. She was becoming accustomed to the silent ghosts that replayed her time with Culluh over and over. She would wonder if there was something she could have done differently or a tactic she hadn’t thought of in the moment. Then she thought maybe if she had just played into Culluh’s hands, helped persuade Seska into “knowing her place” sooner. A thought that was quickly brushed aside. She could never have asked that of her, not even to save her own skin.

If repeating the same thought was the definition of insanity than maybe Tuvok was right to question her fitness. For every night since the incident these thoughts would play themselves like an endless movie reel, cycling over and over with no resolution. Books couldn’t distract her, alcohol couldn’t numb her. She could only hope that one day the memories would fade to the background and the banging noise they made in her chest would dull with time.

Just as her mind began that cycle again, her door chime went off. She looked at her watch. _0014_. She wondered who could possibly be at her door at this hour.

“Come in,” she said curiously.

The door opened and revealed a rather tired looking Chakotay, his jacket unzipped casually, a faint five o’clock shadow lining his jaw. Kathryn instinctively pulled the blanket tighter around herself feeling exposed in the late night solitude.

“What brings you here at this hour?” She asked amused.

“Forgive me, I heard you walk by my door and smelled the coffee. I assumed you would be up,” he said unmoving, waiting for her to welcome him in.

“You assumed correctly.” She gestured to the chair beside her. “What’s on your mind?”

“You wanted to speak with me actually.” He said sheepishly.

“I meant in the morning. You want to do this now?” she asked incredulously.

“It’s technically morning,” he joked. “I couldn’t sleep actually. By the looks of it, neither can you.”

“Well you got me there,” she stood and went to the replicator. “Something to drink?”

“Tea would be great,” he said, pulling at his jacket sleeve apprehensively, realizing how obtrusive his impulse had been to see her.

She made the cup and handed it to him, two sugars no cream, just the way he liked it and sat down on her legs opposite him, the blanket wrapped lightly around her frame, holding her cup of coffee.

“I guess I’ll start with, why?” she asked softly.

Chakotay blew on the tea and took a careful sip before speaking to the floor, “I thought the Vaskans were pulling weapons and I reacted instinctively.”

“Your instincts escalated friendly negotiations. We nearly lost the only dry dock we’ve seen in two months.”

“Lucky for us you are very persuasive,” he replied, far snarkier than he meant.

Kathryn bit her lip, leaning back.

Chakotay placed his tea down and rubbing his temple, “I’m sorry, that was unfair. It seems I’m still a little on edge.”

Kathryn took a sip of her coffee.

“We all are. Have you talked to anyone about it?” She asked thoughtfully.

“Have you?” he returned.

“I’m not the one who pulled their weapon on an unarmed ambassador.” She reminded him.

Chakotay stared at his tea, his brow furrowed.

“Will I be placed on report?”

Kathryn nearly laughed.

“After everything we’ve been through? I think I can let this slide.” Kathryn set her cup on the coffee table and sat closer to him, peering at him with an intensity he was sure could see through walls. “I only wanted to talk to you about it so that I could make sure that my friend was okay.”

Chakotay dropped his shoulders, pursing his lips.

“Permission to speak freely?” he asked stoically.

Kathryn fell back against the couch, and wrapped the blanket tighter around herself. “I thought we were talking as friends already, but go ahead.”

“I didn’t raise my weapon because I thought they were pulling theirs. I raised it because, well, because you were scared.” Chakotay couldn’t bring himself to look at her. He felt dangerously close to crossing the line. If he wasn’t careful she’d build up that wall before he could even get the chance to talk her out of it.

Kathryn’s eyes narrowed, her head tilt to the side.

“What gave you that impression?” she asked tentatively.

“You were wringing your wrist behind your back for one. I also like to think I know you quite well by now.”

Kathryn turned away from him, crossing her arms defensively. “You’re reading too much into things.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t think I am. When you perceived a threat, I reacted.”

She glared at him. “So now I’m to blame?”

“No. That’s not what I…That’s not where I was going with this.” Chakotay moved to sit opposite her on the couch, leaning against the back so he could look at her directly. “I take full responsibility for my actions. I jumped the gun, literally. But you can’t ignore that his gesture made you feel threatened.”

“This meeting was supposed to be about _your_ behavior.”

“Yeah, well, we can’t pretend yours didn’t play a part.”

“Perhaps. But I can’t have you pulling your weapon every time I _seem_ scared. Maybe wait until I give an order next time,” she replied brusquely.

Chakotay rubbed his jaw roughly in agitation. It wasn’t coming out like he wanted to at all.

He sighed and said, “We are a lot alike you know. Our dedication to our crew is something I believe we can both admit bonded us more than anything. We also share one glaring flaw.”

“And what’s that?” 

“An innate ability to collapse into ourselves.”

Kathryn turned away from him in disbelief.

He continued, “Let’s say this happened in the Alpha Quadrant. Would you have sought counseling then, if Starfleet didn’t make you?”

Kathryn picked at the blanket, a sheepish grin on her face. “Probably not.”

“Neither would I. We’ve turned suffering in silence into an art form. I’ve been thinking about this and, look, we have limited resources on this ship and neither of us are about to start spilling our guts out to anyone we outrank but if that negotiation was any indication of how we handle things in the future, then we need to deal with it. If we’re going to move past this, I think we need to start relying on each other.”

“We do that now, don’t we? I trust you with my life.”

“And I trust you with mine. I’m talking about something more fragile. I’m talking about that piece of ourselves we keep hidden away.”

“I know we blur the lines sometimes in command, but I do technically still outrank you. I’d still be talking to a subordinate.” she smirked.

Chakotay grinned back, “And I would be showing my captain all my dirty laundry. We don’t have a whole lot of options.”

“Well when you put it that way, what could go wrong?”

“We have a choice, right now,” Chakotay pushed on, “We can go on as we were, leaving the command wall up, dealing with our pain alone, or we can turn to each other. I’m willing to make that leap of faith, are you?” he asked sincerely.

Kathryn grabbed her coffee and took a long, slow drink. She had to admit, it was tempting. He was right also, she could feel her anger growing every day and was sure at some point down the line it was going to come out in some shape or form. And Tuvok had all but said the same thing only minutes ago. There was a reason, though, Captains kept a healthy distance from their crew. It was meant to keep them objective so that decisions were made not with the heart but with the mind. And admittedly, the idea of exposing that part of herself to him felt somehow dangerous, like standing in the middle of a thunderstorm.

“Are you sure it’s a good idea? You can’t uncross that line, once it’s been crossed,” she finally replied.

Chakotay leaned back, his brow in contemplation. “We’re still facing decades of travel. If we don’t find a way to deal with it now, we’re not going to recognize ourselves in the end.”

Kathryn placed her arm on the top of the couch and leaned her head against her hand. “Talking about it means giving it a face and a name. Makes it real,” she nearly whispered.

“It’s real whether you drag it out into the open or not,” He offered, looking back at her.

She sighed, pulled the blanket off her and got up. She went to the replicator and brought back a bottle of whiskey and handed him a glass. He looked at her curiously.

“If we’re going to do this I’m going to need something stronger than coffee,” she said sitting cross legged. Chakotay grinned as he watched her down a glass of whiskey with only the slightest of grimaces as it burned down and poured herself another. He raised his glass to her and downed his own.

“Didn’t think you the type for liquid encouragement,” he said lightly.

“You’re asking to share our rawest selves with each other. I’d rather be assimilated by the Borg.” She joked, downing another glass, and pouring another. Chakotay sipped at his second glass as silence fell between them.

“Well, how do you want to start?” she finally asked, attempting to break the awkwardness forming.

“I’m not sure, I didn’t think that far ahead.”

“Here, let’s start with this,” Kathryn said, setting her glass down. She brought her hands to her collar and popped her pips off one by one and set them on the table. “There, now you’re not talking to the captain, Just Kathryn, some redhead from Indiana.”

Chakotay laughed, set his glass down, and pulled his rank off his collar as well.

“Alright, this was your idea. I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours,” She said jokingly to keep the tone light, wanting to make the journey into unfamiliar territory more bearable.

“Fair enough. Where do I begin?” he said, taking a long sip.

“How about Seska,” she said cautiously.

“Ah, okay, so we’re not going to ease into it then.”

“Would you rather talk about the child that never was or your three-day survival excursion?”

“Right, so Seska.” He downed his own glass now, realizing suddenly, how hard it was going to be after all. “That was one catastrophe after another.”

“She really put you through the wringer,” Kathryn acknowledged.

“She made me doubt every decision I’d ever made, took parts of me I didn’t know could be separated. My spirit guide tells me the path going forward requires forgiveness but I’ve only grown angrier since.”

“From my experience, forgiveness first requires acceptance. It sounds like you haven’t quite reached that stage yet,” She postulated.

“Probably. I’ve just gotten to this point though, where I want to be over it, I want to move on, and I just can’t, and I get angry all over again because she’s blocking the way.”

“Maybe it isn’t her that’s blocking the way,” Kathryn suggested softly.

“Who else would it be?”

“Maybe it’s yourself.” Chakotay looked out the window, his brow furrowed. “It sounds to me like you’re blaming yourself for what she did. Maybe instead of forgiving Seska, you need to forgive yourself.”

“Would you, in my place, knowing how my actions created the situation we found ourselves in?” he asked sadly.

“The Kazon’s did this. Seskas choices did this.”

“But I let my hurt pride guide my decisions. Let’s face it, if I hadn’t had my DNA stolen, we never would have gone after Seska in the first place.”

“What Seska did to you was beyond reprehensible. It was the single most manipulative, underhanded, and abhorrent thing I’ve ever witnessed,” Kathryn fumed, her glass shaking in her hand as she gesticulated her anger. “And besides that, Seska was a crafty piece of work. She would have come up with some other lie to get us to chase after her. Look, I can scream it to the end of time that you have nothing to blame yourself for, but it won’t amount to a hill of beans if you can’t find it in yourself to believe it.”

“That’s easier said than done,” he smirked.

“Don’t I know it,” she said thoughtfully. 

Chakotay took another sip and said, “Your turn.”

Kathryn took a long swig of her whiskey, emptying her third glass, and poured another.

“Come on you’re stalling,” Chakotay grinned. “This only works if it goes both ways. Why don’t you start from the beginning?”

“The beginning being when? When the Kazon’s boarded the ship, or when I woke up with a splitting headache alone in the brig?”

“Your choice,” he said, taking a drink.

“Well I guess, being boarded was unpleasant to say the least,” she said lamely. “Being slapped in front of the crew was humiliating. I’m supposed to protect my people and I failed miserably. I have to admit, I had serious doubts about our making it home under my leadership for a while.”

“And look at where we are now. We have our ship back, the crew is safe, and we’re sailing our way home once again.”

“And it only cost Crewman Hogan’s life and that of a Talaxian ship and its crew,” She replied sadly.

“A guilt we share, apparently,” Chakotay said solemnly, bringing his glass forward. Kathryn tapped it, grimacing, and they both took a drink. 

She stared at her glass, a pained expression painted her face. “Chakotay, the three days I spent alone…I thought I was going to die. I thought they were going to let me shrivel away into nothing. And it, _relieved_ me. And then that made me feel guiltier because I felt like I let everyone down. I’m supposed to be strong, and that deprivation, the isolation- I wanted to die. Because it seemed like the easy way out,” She said softly.

Chakotay made to reach for her but thought better of it, instead moving his hands to his lap.

“Do you still think this?” he asked carefully.

“Of course not,” she said genuinely. “It worried me though, how quickly I gave in.”

“But you didn’t though. You survived, and more than that, you saved the ship.”

“Only because my crew was in danger. It made me realize how little I hold my own life in regard. I think a part of me expects to die on the ship, and maybe I was willing it so.”

“Why do you expect that?”

“I’m no therapist but if I had to guess it probably has to do with my father. But that’s a topic for a different bottle of whiskey. I think it’s your turn again. How about we move on to the child?” she asked, as she placed her now empty glass on the table and rested against the side of the couch. 

Chakotay finished his own drink, wincing slightly at it burned down his throat, a little more than he expected, and placed it on the table next to hers. “In the end, I guess I’m relieved but it stung nonetheless. I had a child, for a brief period of time. And I had imagined teaching him everything I knew, raising him aboard Voyager. It felt right, even though the whole situation was massively messed up.”

“You still have time you know. Just because this child wasn’t yours, doesn’t mean there isn’t one waiting for you in the future.”

Chakotay gave her a knowing look, his mind briefly flashing to New Earth. “Maybe. It just reminded me of the life I pushed aside for the sake of my cause. It didn’t seem so important then. Now on Voyager, with nothing but years of travel ahead of us, I have to admit, the future seems less revolving day to day and more sturdy, something I can build off of. For now, I’m more than happy with my only title being first officer. Adding father to the list, just seems like a headache. You put me through enough as it is.” He joked.

She swatted his arm lightly.

“Well don’t let me hold you back.” She added, “You don’t want my fate Chakotay. Trust me.”

“You know, Starfleet isn’t out here to court martial you. You could break protocol, they’re not going to arrest you if you show up back in the alpha quadrant with a family.”

“I couldn’t do that to Mark. I made a promise.”

“For how long? We’re facing 70 years. Do you think he’ll wait that long?”

She bit her lip and looked away.

“I’m sorry. I over stepped,” he said quickly.

“No, you’re right. It would be unfair to expect him to wait. I hope he doesn’t, not for too long anyways.”

“But?”

“I’m not ready to let him go. Mark and home- they’re synonymous. It feels like the moment I stop believing we’re still together is the moment I give up on making it home. I can’t do that. Not yet.”

Chakotay suddenly had flashes of her saying this to him before and he found himself clutching his heart inadvertently. 

“What happened after the brig,” he said, quickly changing the subject.

She shifted uncomfortably. The alcohol hit her like a freight train. With the wheels greased she found herself wanting to tell him every last bitter detail because she wanted to see the disgust on his face. She wanted him to reflect her own anguish like she knew he would, and a small part of her wanted to spread her suffering, lay it out flat in the hopes it would distance itself from her. She couldn’t do that to him though, it would be asking him to carry too much. If this experiment of his is successful then maybe she’ll tell him more, but for now, it’s best he get nothing more than pieces.

“Culluh attempted to persuade me to help him repair the ship. Hence the injuries you saw,” she said plainly.

“Kathryn, in the spirit of honesty, I know something more happened. I can tell by the look in your eye. Something is haunting you.”

Kathryn picked at the blanket, her heart beating furiously. He’d connected more dots than she’d anticipated. She supposed she could tell him a little more truth, but the words strangled her. It felt like speaking of it would bring Chakotay there in that moment with her, letting him watch all the ugliness. It would mean she couldn’t hide from him, or herself, that suffering that lingered like poison. It was admitting Culluh still had her pinned down.

Chakotay observed her quietly, noticing the smallest of lip quivers and pushed gently, “Tuvok told me about what he learned of Kazon culture. We had our, uhh, concerns, for Culluhs true purpose for keeping you on the ship.”

Kathryn stood suddenly, tossing the blanket aside, and paced, rubbing her jaw, her arm folded tightly against herself. Without knowing it, she had put considerable distance between herself and him as she leaned against the opposite wall and stared at the floor. Chakotay didn’t say anything for a while, instead choosing to wait for her to open up. Prodding did little other than push people farther away. After a minute, he was about to move on when she said softly, “I forget sometimes that there are still many cultures that think a woman’s place is behind a man, I have you and the crew to thank for that. It feels privileged to be treated just as a captain and not a female captain, and yet I feel cheated at the same time because it shouldn’t feel privileged at all. It should just _be._ ”

“What happened Kathryn?” he asked gently.

Kathryn sighed. “Nothing in the end. But he got damn close.”

“How close?”

“Do you need all the gritty details? Close enough.” Kathryn added tersely. “Culluh didn’t keep me on board for my knowledge of the ship. It wasn’t completely about revenge either, in fact it didn’t have anything to do with me being captain. Seska wasn’t settling into her role as his property. He was threatening to replace her with me, me being the obvious choice given Seskas hatred for me. I suspected he was bluffing, and so did Seska for a while until he uhh, well, let’s just say he escalated his tactics.”

“Did he...” Chakotay let the question drift into the air, his heart in his throat.

Kathryn shook her head. Her anger boiling close to the surface. “No. Seska agreed to his terms at the last second. I think she was waiting long enough to see if he would go through with it. They’re possessive, the Kazon, and with Culluh’s deprived morality he would have seen it as sealing the deal, like signing a contract.”

“So, she stood back, and just watched as he,” the word struggled on his lips, “ _assaulted_ you.” His grip tightened around his glass. Kathryn looked at him and saw pure loathing lining his face in the dim glow of the room. Seeing him wear it somehow dissolved her of her own and she felt it fall from her like rain. She sat next to him, grabbing the glass from his hand and placing it on the table. She held his hand tightly between her own.

His rage simmered slowly as he breathed, his heart beat started to slow to match hers.

“You’re doing it again,” she said quietly, pressing his hand more firmly. “You can’t take responsibility for her actions. Seska made her own choices. Quite frankly, I felt sorry for her in the end. She spent how many months with the Kazon? And was a spy before that for at least a year. She was more alone than any of us out here.” After a pause, she added, “You know, I told her she could join Voyager again, her and the baby.”

“After everything she did to you? To us?”

“I wasn’t looking at her, I was looking at that child.”

“The one that she made me think was mine,” he said tensely.

“Would you have disagreed?” she asked pensively.

“I honestly don’t know. Probably not in the end. Having her and the baby on board, would have been like keeping a wound open but I can’t say it wasn’t the more compassionate thing to do, even if I don’t like it.”

“It’s not easy walking around with reminders. It makes it feel like you never quite escaped, or that you can,” Kathryn said looking around her room.

“Is that why you changed things in here?” he asked, looking around the room.

Kathryn confessed quietly to the floor, unable to look him in the eyes, “I haven’t been able to sleep in my bed since.”

Chakotay wanted nothing more than to hold her close in his arms and sooth her then. And for the first time he wondered if this was a bad idea. She held his heart in her hand and he trusted her to do so, he’d stood by and watched her take it from him. And still, he knew they could be nothing more than friends. Home to him meant returning to war, but to her, it was love. Maybe one day, she’d see what she was holding and see it was hers to keep no strings attached. And maybe one day, she’d want to share hers. But that day wasn’t today.

“Do you want to switch rooms for a while?” he suggested, squeezing her hand comfortingly.

Kathryn thought about it and shook her head. She settled against his arm, theirs hands still interlocked, and replied “No. This room has my bathtub. That was the one thing I made sure I had once I knew Voyager was mine. Besides, I’ll be damned if I let him take anything away from me. Not again.”

Chakotay found himself resting his head against the top of hers. He drank in this moment, reveled in it. The rest of the world didn’t exist, it was just him and her, holding on to each other, providing each other sanctuary, trusting each other with their whole self.

Kathryn hadn’t realized she had started crying until he wiped a tear from her face gently. She looked up at his sad smile and frowned. Seska’s words suddenly echoed around her, _you see the way he looks at you_. And she knew, how easy it would be to fall for him. That despite the love she had for Mark, she couldn’t ignore the feelings that fluttered on New Earth, or ignore the comfort she found in his arms. He was more than just here in front her, more than a lonely woman’s longing for companionship. He was kind and patient, thoughtful beyond anyone she’d ever met before. When he stood next to her, she felt nearly invincible. And she knew he felt the same; he’d declared it in his own poetic way not that long ago. It seemed unfair to him that she should let them get so close when she couldn’t give him every part of her, not yet.

She let go of him, wiped her face, cleared her throat and stood, rubbing the back of her neck.

“It’s getting late. We have duty in a couple of hours,” she said wearily.

Chakotay nodded and went to leave. He paused in the door frame and turned back to her.

“You know, if I were Mark, I’d never stop waiting. You’re the single most determined person I’ve ever met. You’ll get us home. I know it.” She smiled at him appreciatively. He continued, “Besides, someone like you, you don’t just give up on. You’re worth waiting for.”

He bowed his head and said good night, leaving Kathryn alone with his words. She slowly went back to the couch, grabbed her blanket and settled into the warmth of the spot he left behind.

She pulled her hair out of the tight bun it was in and found herself staring at her room once more. Culluh still roamed but now so did Chakotay and the fear that once held her hostage was over shadowed by the love he showed her tonight and she closed her eyes, dreaming peacefully for the first time in two months.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading :) I just watched Voyager and immediately fell in love with Janeway so naturally i had to get real angsty about it.  
> Updates could be sporadic.  
> It will probably end with Janeway/Chakotay.  
> I doubt it will get too graphic but I've gone dark before (insert devilish grin).


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